Psychobabble

2004-01-03T00:31:00.000-08:00

Okay. DON'T FREAK. I moved to Livejournal. DON'T FREAK. This was a last minute decision. It's still Psychobabble, but in a different format. There's an explanation. See you there.

2004-01-02T23:29:00.000-08:00

Just saw Tito Johnny and his girlfriend Tita Freida in the society pages of The Philippine Star. My grandmother actually squawked in surprise when she saw the photo. Hahahahahahahaha. An Alcazaren in a Johnny Litton photo-spread. Precious. I also want to point out that he was the only one wearing a shirt and jeans, a fact that made me smile when I first saw the photo. My grandmother, however, began kibitzing and showed my grandfather the spread. Then she began vocally worrying whether my uncle and Freida were really meant for each other. She began worrying that Freida was too social for my quiet artist uncle.

My grandmother's too stereotypical. Freida's not the prissy fashion magazine editor my grandmother fears her to be. She's nothing like what I expected, either. When I heard that my uncle hooked up with a fashion editor, I first thought that he had gone nuts. But then, again, I didn't get to meet her yet. When I finally did, she totally went against expectation. She's as maldita as a Sesame Street episode. She's an incredibly creative and independent person. Bagay sila. They really go well together, and one society page picture that drove my grandmother ballistic isn't going to stop them. Hear, hear.

Another grandparent-going-ballistic episode earlier:

We were having leftover roast chicken for lunch, and my grandfather went nuts over the consistency of the meat. So he made a huge show of bringing it into the kitchen, and whacking it beyond beyond beyond beyond senseless with the combination of a butcher's knife and a hardware store hammer. My grandmother was right beside him, arguing over the spots where he was supposed to whack away. They were pretty noisy for 12:30 in the afternoon. Me? I just remained in my seat and ate some pork and shrimp in peace.

It's actually a wonder why my grandmother hasn't stabbed my grandfather yet with a fork. He always complains about something at each and every meal. My grandmother actually braces herself for it every time. I always see that pre-conceived terror on her face while my grandfather takes his first bites. That's patience for you. But if that were me, I'd probably take the fork option. I'd depress myself if I knew that I remained patient every time my husband had a coronary over how flaky the fish fillet was.

Reason # 1,463 as to why I shudder at the thought of marriage.

2004-01-02T05:35:00.000-08:00

Just got back from Megamall where I met Karl and Zha. We watched Bridal Shower again and then went around. The funny thing is, though we spent 6 hours in the mall, it was the five seconds I spent arriving home that stuck to my mind more.

My dad was outside, surveying the house's exterior. The tricycle decided to drop me off one meter away from him. He obviously saw me get out of the thing, and I just bolted for the doorbell, pretended to check my phone, and the moment the gate was opened, quickly slid in. I felt like I had just escaped some sort of catastrophe. That was actually the closest I've ever gotten to him in over 5 years.

Funny. And to think that I told myself earlier that what you don't say means so much more than what you do. I'm ticking this off as a Close Call.

2003-12-30T22:07:00.000-08:00

2003.

This year went by so quickly that it has numbed me out. A milestone, the longest day of my life, a death, and a life. The opportunity to step out of everything and look at what I've done or what has been done to me.

January

Staging and hosting a mock Greek dating pageant that had the school fooled. Filming Zero, our very last ViCe movie. The season for opening even more doors. An important afternoon power outage. The time I realized that questions and eyelocks mean more and result in more than I ever thought they would.

February

A languid yet much pondered at afternoon that I will never forget. A trip to Cebu that resulted in both incredible victory (winning 2nd and 3rd at the National Schools Press Conference for English Editorial and English Feature) and incredible loss ( ).

March

The month marked with the thickest blood-red marker. My final 30 days on the mountain. The ViCe recitals. Eye-opening hook-ups. Launching my very first book. Graduating salutatorian. Drama during the final evenings at the dorm. And finally, graduation--that short, unforgettably manic day.

April

A painful, confused aftermath (including an uncanny mall mishap on the first day after the grad) that died down to a hesitant glow. Conducting a children's writing workshop that taught me much more than I was able to teach the kids.

May

Preparations for a new life both materially and emotionally. Surviving the longest fucking day of my life, which included that unforgettable rainstorm escape down a mountain, and an hour-long walk in the middle of a packed Calamba road. The time I thought that I had finally said goodbye to demons when in fact they were only just beginning to surface.

June

Slowly building up a new life in Ateneo while retaining my old self. An initiation that I handled better than I had feared. Great new friends. Meeting an old friend. And suddenly, shocking actions and shocking news that came close to tearing me apart.

July and August

The two months needed to have everything settle down, to recuperate from all the information. The two months sorely needed to make everything seem normal.

September

Turning legal in more ways than one.

October

A much-needed trip to Baguio, complete with strawberry wine and a run-in with drunken Koreans at midnight on Session Road (cor. Carlus St.). Road trip, bebe. Great sleepover with Merc and Anna preceding a visit to Makiling. A YFU reunion. And spending quality time with Catastrophe.

November

A very messy breakdown. A jarring crossing of paths at the CCP. The time I lost the most blood trying to hold my ground.

December

Recovery in Banahaw, a brand-new mountain. An academic nightmare that brought me close to snapping. Holidays that felt like they were wrapped gaudily for free at a Rustan's check-out line complete with pre-made satin bow.

This has probably been the most mixed year of my life. I've been slapped with opposing situations so frequently and quickly that it's no wonder it's so hard to sum it all up. If anything, I've jumped into everything, finally accepting that from that moment on, every experience was going to ask me more questions than I was willing to answer. And that, strangely enough, I wouldn't be able to answer any of the questions. Because who was I, in this bowl of nuts, to make a definite statement? Who was I, during a year that fooled around with what I've done and what has been done to me, to say anything?

2003 had me speechless. I ran blindly for miles, and I'm still busy catching my breath.

2003-12-29T21:45:00.000-08:00

I just had one of the most unique wake up calls of my entire life. It gives more color to the saying, "start the day right." Riiiiight.

Tomorrow is the last day of the year 2003. Of course there'll be some sort of list.

My mom just walked in and gave me 2 mini-notepads on a chain. She made special front and back covers for them that have pictures of Oasis. Awwwwwww. I think my mom's an amazing graphics artist. Place her in front of a computer with a graphics program and she'll be having the time of her life in a second.

Zha's coming over in less than an hour. She wants to ask me some stuff for her paper on Dead Poets Society, but I know it'll be more of a catch-up session than anything else. Yay.

I'm not really one for new year's resolutions since I take things as they come. I can't promise myself certain things because I believe that you can't be consistent unless you knew every single thing that was going to happen in the future. How can you promise yourself to be a certain way or stick to a certain idea if you will never be aware of how you'll live in advance? And obviously you can never, ever tell what will happen to you in the future. Never. So what's the point? I think resolutions are just some bastard child of wishful thinking. It is a symptom of our belief that we can gain absolute control over something. But more often than not, that something's usually the one gaining control over us.

2003-12-27T06:04:00.000-08:00

I don't know yet if I've found a kindred spirit, but I sure am counting on it. I haven't acted that warmly or openly around her, but she's recognized who I am and vice-versa. We've only seen each other twice, and so far I've come to like her. I hope she stays in the family longer. She'd make a great relative. I need her in the family. She's fresh and real. And I'm not just saying that because she's new around here. She doesn't seem condescending at all, unlike the past "new" members of the family. Because no matter how cool the past "new" ones were, they ended up--I'm sorry--but they ended up pretty twisted. This one seems more understanding. I honestly like her. (And I'm rambling positively--take note that I hardly do that when it comes to relatives potential or otherwise.)

A sign of hope? Dear god, I hope she is.

Saw Crying Ladies last night. Honestly, although it is a refreshing movie, I found Bridal Shower to be more solid fare, surprise, surprise. Better script, better characterization, to be honest. Check it out for yourselves, and make sure to catch Cherry Pie Picache's scene with the chocolate cake towards the end. That's some pretty good acting right there.

Went to Tagaytay to have brunch with the rest of the family at Antonio's. Got stuck in traffic, which led Whammy and me to finish our food in 15 minutes while the family reserved next at our table stared at us hungrily. Leisurely brunch at Tagaytay my ass.

We had more fun finding incredibly cheap stuff during our last-minute stop at HRM. And had more fun killing more time at Pioneer Center and the Jollibee branch there later on. Just goes to show it doesn't take an 80-peso cup of hot chocolate to find true happiness. I don't think it really will.

2003-12-25T05:38:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas, babies.

There's actually not much to say about this year's celebration since everything was basically the same. First, lunch. Then, the opening of presents by-family-by-age. That took around 3 hours as usual, because there were 7 sub-families or couples, with each member of the said sub-family or couple receiving at least 6 gifts. Now add all those minutes spent taking several digicam shots of each person holding each gift one by one. (Alcazaren Christmases are undoubtedly tests of faith.) Then, merienda. Then, that post-Christmas time-pocket where people just watch TV or sort out their gifts , then Scrabble with Whammy, then dinner, then the end.

Not much to say. Hmmmm...thinking...

Well, I think the gifts that really made me smile were the Spongebob boxers and the novelty lucky 8 ball.

Yeah.

2003-12-24T06:50:00.000-08:00

2 hours left before Christmas. I'm home alone while my grandparents and other relatives are out for the mass, as usual. They've laid out the ham, but the entire noche buena has yet to be set up.

I wonder how the other ViCe are doing. I wonder how they're celebrating Christmas this year, if they're at home with the family, or out with friends, or asleep, or awake and alone. Either way, I hope they're not worried. I hope they're having a great time.

It's so hard when you don't know how people are doing. Texts, emails, and brief meetings are nothing compared to really being with them and witnessing or taking part in their lives. Back in grade school, I wouldn't have given a flying fuck what my classmates were doing. But after Makiling, I now wish I had some sort of screen that showed me how each ViCe is doing right now. How I would give anything to see us all in one room again, like we've done every day for four years, and something that has a fat chance of ever happening now or in the future. High school-period Christmases were always filled with something so solid. Now I just feel like I'm waiting everything out, and for something I don't even care to know about right now.

There's a reason why barely anyone cried during graduation. The sorrow was spread, idea by idea, throughout god knows how long a span of time.

2003-12-23T21:49:00.000-08:00

Great get-together at Mars' condo two days ago. I braved my 3-degree fever and the chilly December air to take an ice-water nightswim. I think it helped cure me. Stuffed myself myself with food. Definitely had a hand at curing me. Beforehand, while waiting for the others to arrive, we spent an hour's quality time scanning through Von's porn stash. Hahahaha. Can't go to Mars' place without watching porn. And I think that partly cured me, too. So much for the ube.

Met Amanda yesterday at Megamall. We walked around, harrassed a few people behind store counters, talked, ate, and then attended the premiere of Bridal Shower. We sat behind the frigging cast. And yes, it was a very good movie. And like I've said a gazillion times before, I'll take a raincheck on writing a movie review.

But despite all the celebrating, it still doesn't feel like Christmas. It's Christmas Eve, and I feel nothing. This holiday season seems more like the dregs of last year's, at best. We even got this year's Christmas supply of balut from the Pateros Alcazarens, but still nothing.

It can't be because of problems, because I've had greater quandaries the past few years. It can't be because of holiday schoolwork because I've been assigned worse before. I really don't get it. And it honestly scares me to a point. I feel like I've been Zip-locked away from what's supposed to happen. And I sure as hell know that I'm not just some half-eaten sandwich.

2003-12-21T15:57:00.000-08:00

Feeling much better but slowly losing my voice. Though I enjoy hearing myself get all raspy at times, I don't exactly want to be conversing in hand signals during the holidays.

Why is it that I lose my voice during important moments in my life? I think my most extreme case was during the senior retreat last year. We were doing all these stunts and I did it all with a fever and without a voice. In the harsh rain, I might add. The best part was probably when I jumped off a rope tied between two coconut trees thirty feet in the air. I screamed, but nobody heard me. They all just heard some air whistle from the back of my throat. Fine.

I'm meeting Amanda tomorrow! Yay, roommate! We're watching the preview of Bridal Shower at Megamall. Although I'm more for watching Crying Ladies later this week, I have to admit that the trailer for Bridal Shower got my attention. Sex is always a good (and important) topic for film. Always. :)

Listening to Ely Buendia's Monday Mundane, which is quite fitting. I woke up at 6:30 and couldn't go back to sleep, so I decided to go downstairs instead. I learned, sadly, that my bed was actually more exciting than the annoying quiet on the first floor. My grandparents went down thirty minutes later and started eating their breakfast bibingka just as quietly. Knowing that I had over 3 hours to kill before I headed off for the block party drove me nuts.

Damn it, it still doesn't feel like Christmas. I don't feel the season at all. This all just feels like some sembreak extender. I usually feel that special excitement people get only before Christmas, but now I'm just completely numb.

2003-12-21T01:15:00.000-08:00

I'm a phlegm-faucet. I've been leaking goo for the past 12 hours and I don't like it. The block party's tomorrow and I will hate myself if I miss it. So will my other blockmates since I designated myself to pick them all up at the MRT. I have to get better tonight. I've been ingesting drugstore-loads of Decolgen and eating as much as possible. Hell, I've even finished an entire half-bottle of ube this morning while watching Almost Famous because I suddenly had this incredible urge to. I just had this feeling that eating all that ube would surely cure me. Well, I'm still leaking, and that bottle's been scraped clean of any purple left in it. Damn it.

It sucks to be sick when you're older. When I was a kid, I remember having the library especially fixed up for me, with a bed tray ready and the pillows propped up for ample TV-watching. My mom would always bring something really good to eat home, and would always check up on me every thirty minutes. Getting sick would be such an event. But now that I'm older, everyone just expects me to swallow a tablet or two after meals and stay away from them most of the time lest they get infected. And I don't think my mom even knows I'm sick. I don't think anybody told her, and she hasn't dropped by the house today.

I wasn't a sickly kid and I'm not sickly now. But I do remember getting sick more frequently when I was younger. And not just the typical fever. I especially remember my extreme bouts of vertigo. I would go for days lying on my bed because the room would spin so quickly whenever I got up. That was a very weird, now that I think about it. I wonder what made me that dizzy. It was terrible. Even while I was lying down, things still moved around. My mom even got me out of bed and tagged me along to the Workstation Production Company and I collapsed on the nearest beanbag once we got there.

Now I get ube delusions. Just great. (drip)

2003-12-20T04:15:00.000-08:00

I'm sick. I have a fever. I've been dragging my limp, headache-y self around the house for the entire day, finally ending up in front of the TV, watching DVDs of Seabiscuit and High Fidelity.

How come I keep on getting sick during breaks? It's like my body knows when to physically break down, just when I don't have any important work to do. It's like it's saying, "Baby, I've been doing you a favor for the past few months. Now that you will spend a lot of your time leisurely, you might as well do it with alternately-snot-blocked nostrils."

Caught up with an old friend last night. It's amazing how you get to know so many people through the strangest cirumstances and end up letting them take up a sliver of your life. And it's amazing how you also end up liking that fact so much.

Speaking of which, I am meeting a couple of old friends for individual lunches/dinners starting Tuesday. I feel so old.

And to counter the emotion exuded when I typed that last sentence:

Mars' pool party is on Monday! Woohoo! And it's an all-day event, too.

2003-12-18T23:40:00.000-08:00

Okay. Dinner with friend moved to next week. I am considerably calmer now that things have been cleared up.

I just saw Maroon 5's Top Ten Favorite Videos on MTV. Man, you could have changed the title to Margie de Leon's Top Ten Favorite Videos (well, maybe except for that Jay-Z thing). What delicious choices. Some were:

Radiohead's Just (my top choice)
Fiona Apple's Criminal
Coldplay's The Scientist
Chemical Brothers' Let Forever Be

That was seriously an hour well-spent.

Cinema One's showing Jologs tonight at 11. Watchitwatchit. I honestly liked it. I'm also looking forward to Crying Ladies in a week. And for the foreign movies, I'm itching to see Kill Bill (yes, yes, don't have a cow--I'm also watching LOTR). They've been showing the behind-the-scenes thingy for Kill Bill for the past two days and it has hyped me up so much that it's driving me nuts. It looks like a fun movie.

2003-12-18T04:43:00.000-08:00

Tito Gabby burned a copy of The Mongol's Buddha's Pest for me. Hu-what a sweetie.

His nuts roasting on an open fire...

I'm supposed to be out right now, having frigging dinner with a frigging friend (literally). But for some reason, our communication was cut off early this afternoon. There suddenly was no way for me to contact him without getting people into trouble. (Waaaaaaaaaah. I was raring to goooooooo.)

Pasig can be such a bore...

I can't stay in this house long.

Perky tits yet no good dick to blow...

To be honest, I don't feel very Christmas-y. I don't care how many wiggling mechanical mall Santas I see or how much keso de bola I stuff myself with. It doesn't feel like the holidays. I'm supposed to be Christmas kibitzing by now. I'm supposed to be craving chestnuts. I'm supposed to be getting all paranoid about the amount of Christmas carols they play inside Shangri-La. But I'm not.

I'm a sexually-frigid Eskimo...

This break, though still in its early stage, just feels like one long weekend. One long weekend I plan to fill with as much debauchery as my spirit will allow. As Sir Miclat, our Hitler of a houseparent, used to exclaim, "Let's get party!" Ha. Jologs. I never thought I'd ever get to quote him in here. Eck. I-liquid sosa na ninyo ako.

Everybody knows, cold turkey and no mistletoe...

Anyhoo, I do hope that Mars' pool party gets underway.

Help to make the season bite...

Oh, speaking of, Mars gave me such a nice gift: a sippy cup. I've now graduated from sucking nipples to sucking thick straws. I'm so proud of myself. :)

'Tis the season for giving.

2003-12-17T03:49:00.000-08:00

Dumb luck.

This day has existed for me to relieve myself of so many things. Case in point: B O T A N Y.

Tolentino conducted the class with frog throat, which prompted her to postpone the Friday long exam to next year since she couldn't be her usual vague self without her chewy voice. I was pretty happy about that, since I have a Math long exam tomorrow, etceteraetceteraetcetera. AND THEN she said that she was also postponing the first draft of our ethnobotany report to next year as well. The report my group and I have been slaving over for weeks. The report that made my weekend undoubtedly one of my most stressful. The academic nightmare of a report. The one that deprived me of any form of relaxation for many, many nights. That report.

Of course I'm happy that it's postponed since I don't have to juggle anything anymore. I only have to worry about the Math long test and I'm seriously home free. But all those near-tears working on the damn thing. My god. All those moments I felt so near to breaking down and setting the Bio Dep on fire. Or myself. Or every single tree that bears our report's topics--mangos, coconuts, papayas, bananas, pineapples, and guavas. All that fuss over damn fruits of the non-sexual kind. Gasp.

Other things relieved from me: a class in Lit, a class in Botany, a class in Fil. And finding gifts for my beloved blockmates. :)

I'd write about Christmas, but that's for another entry. Systems of linear equations are calling. Eck.

Tish texted me. O-O is in the Inquirer today. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

2003-12-16T04:16:00.000-08:00

My entire block went over to UP to witness the annual Oblation Run. I was actually very lucky to catch snatches of dick amidst the sea of ballistic men, women, and in-betweens (the latter were especially rabid). I also caught Karl, Anna Miggy, Merc, and Feona for a few minutes inside Palma, clothed. (Yes, Karl, I am still distraught that you didn't join that particular frat.) And the cool thing about the entire event? Moscki wholeheartedly agreed to have it replace our Fil class today.

Oh yes, and I finally figured out why my printer's being such a bitch. My beloved mother forgot to take the clear tape out of the colored cartridge. Thus, the tape was responsible for jamming the cartridges and making everything I print out look like a very frustrated squid hand(tentacle?)wrote it. Plus, it was also the reason why I couldn't print anything out in color. And everyone knows color is good. I've been feeling like a monochromatic, technological Neanderthal for months just because of a frigging piece of clear tape.

And my mom has been bugging me about how much I spend on ink and paper. Well, doi. I've been rererererereprinting my stuff because of the damn smudges she was unconsciously responsible for.

Haaaay. Aye, a victim of the modern age, this wench is.

2003-12-14T04:14:00.000-08:00

Good evening, Mrs. Tolentino.

My name is Marguerite Alcazaren de Leon, from your Bio7-A class, class number 8, and, thanks to your teacherly compassion, I am now on the verge of a physical and mental breakdown.

(Margie brings out gun)

*BANG*

(body falls to the floor)

(pause)

(Margie starts backing away in horror)

Oh my frigging god! She's getting up!!!

*BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG*

(body keeps on stumbling forward, a new sheaf of butchered Botany reports in hand)

EHAUGHEUAHEWUHAJEHAJHAHAAAKKKKKK!!!!!!!

2003-12-13T19:39:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm going to go all Oedipus on this: there simply are some things that, when you find out about them, just tug at you roughly on both sides. You don't know whether you'd rather that you didn't know, or whether you'd rather that you did. True, knowing makes life more complex and thus, interesting. And I like it that way very, very much. But like anything complex or interesting, a little (or a lot of) pain has to be felt.

I guess I've been willingly nursing bruises for a long time. I've forgotten how it feels to not know.

Anna Miggy, Merc and I were able to catch the better half of The Nutcracker despite the godawful traffic. Candice had good roles the entire time (I especially liked her practically epileptic Chinese dance). Other Ibarang alumni also performed. There were also Ibarang sightings offstage. We spotted fellow ViCe members Skyzx and Leeroy right outside the CCP, with the latter leaving with us.

It's amazing how enormous chunks of the past get blended together into one evening. It's intoxicating. It makes you feel like some small, confused wisp in some bad-ass gale.

2003-12-13T02:46:00.000-08:00

Allo allo.

I am in Anna Miggy's room right now, typing with the coolest PC I have ever laid my hands on. This baby's bringing tears to my eyes.

Anna and Merc are taking baths right now (separately, if you pervs would care to know), and I am here using the computer, trying not to drool on the wireless keyboard and mouse.

I have a headache, but it's all good. I'll have a good time tonight.

2003-12-12T21:49:00.000-08:00

At the last second, I'm going to watch The Nutcracker at the CCP tonight with Merc, Anna Miggy, and Feona. Our fellow ViCe member Candice is going to perform, and I'm hoping some other ViCe will be there too. I'm supposed to immerse myself in work today, but this is too good to pass up. Plus, I think I need a break from all things academic at least for this evening. Spending the entire weekend with the computer is never a good thing. I'll figure things out somehow.

There's a pretty good chance I'll be running into him at the CCP again. This time, I know he'll be there, unlike before when his arrival just completely threw me off balance for the rest of the night (and the rest of the week, for that matter).

I know my plans for tonight will be time well-spent. Seeing old friends and watching one onstage.

Oh yes, and I was supposed to post this earlier:

Disclaimer for yet another Bored Blog Survey: I am doing this in order to keep my sanity as I research on the cultivation and traditional uses of bananas. If you haven't noticed, this weekend (which could have been considered wonderful since it's cold and rainy) is coming to resemble a fibrous elephant turd more and more and more and more...

...and more and more and more...

FIRSTS

First best friend: Angela de Rivera, who was my neighbor, classmate, and busmate. We're nothing alike now. I haven't seen her in ages, but she has a pretty strong reputation now for being the epitome of the private school cheerdancer. Funny.

First real memory of something: Going to nursery school in my little blue jumper dress.

First real kiss: In the seventh grade.

First job: writing a weekly column for the Philippine Post back in second year high school

First screen name: the name of a cursed Greek mythological heroine + the last name of a family of quintuplets featured in Newsweek circa 1997

First funeral: my 4-month-old cousin's

First pet: Greta, a German shepherd who supposedly died when I was about 3 because she ate her own shit

First piercing/tattoo: ears

First credit card: I never had one.

First true love: What makes you think I'm going to type that down?

First enemy: Ah, this I remember very clearly. His name was Angelo, and he was my classmate in nursery. We grabbed a wooden puzzle of a train at the same time and naturally fought over it. He then bit my thumb till it bled, the bastard. I'm still out to get him.

First big trip: My family went to Baguio when I was about 4. I only remember that the car was brown, I needed to throw up, and I had hallucinations of the stone lion.

First play/musical/performance/concert: It was the Christmas Pageant for my nursery class back in 1989. I wore a red and white dress with polka dots, white stockings and red shoes, and I held up a cardboard letter P, which I think was supposed to stand for "piano." Haha.

LASTS

Last big car ride: On the way back from Baguio last sembreak. We got caught in so much traffic, we ended up snarfing down this weird Ma Ling product like there was no tomorrow.

Last good cry: a few weeks ago while I was going through a personal hell

Last library book checked out: Believe it or not, I haven't checked a lib book out in Ateneo just yet. So I guess that means the books we were required to borrow back in the senior year of high school.

Last movie seen: Head of State with Chris Rock. For the love of god, go drink bat urine instead.

Last beverage drank: milk from my cereal

Last food consumed: use your brain

Last crush: His muscles are way too big, so I lost interest.

Last phone call: Merc called me last night and we did a little catch-up.

Last TV show watched: Nickelodeon's As Told By Ginger

Last time showered: Yesterday. Hahahahahahahahha.

Last shoes worn: my blue rubbers

Last CD played: Eraserheads' Natin 99

Last item bought: If it's non-consumable, a striped skirt from the ukay-ukay. If it's consumable, a Go-Go Meal and a brownie from KFC last night.

Last annoyance: my Botany teacher, Tolentino. And ongoing...

Last soda drank: Pepsi

Last ice cream eaten: BTIC's Kahlua Brownie

Last time scolded: 2 days ago, by Mars. She said I was being a bad sister.

Last shirt worn: a large, ratty t-shirt with Smithsonian Folklife Festival printed on it. Jesus, where did I get this?!?!?!?!?!?

...and more and more and more...

2003-12-12T18:12:00.000-08:00

I'm seriously upset over this Botany thing. I can't believe I ended up with that witch for a teacher.

2003-12-11T23:47:00.000-08:00

I am so pissed off at Tolentino right now. She can go carve a fucking question mark on her old, wrinkled ass.

She gave our topic outline back today. And she said that we should do a report on 5 more plants, with the deadline still in place. How in Quark Henares' name am I supposed to do all that by next Friday? And with every subject also demanding something of me by then? AND with a matching Botany long test that's going to be impossible to review for since she's given far from competent lectures?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Tolentino. I should devote an entire new rant-blog for her, the dotty old bitch.

2003-12-08T01:35:00.000-08:00

My stomach's upset. And I can't get past my Don Juan paper. So with that, I am now going to give the main details of my Banahaw trip.

the river

We went down 300 stone steps to an icy river where too many people where wading around in. The place was screaming here's that preformulated symbolic complex you wanted, you frigging tourist. Wading around was a little fun since I'm a water baby and all, but other than that, it was pretty tame. And the ironic part? I thought that slipping around in the water was already tough. I was going to regret thinking that a few hours later. The hike back up the 300 steep, stone steps were honey roasted peanuts compared to what we had to do afterwards. Little ironic moment: while the block was huffing and puffing up the stairs, a fat little chicken
was quickly, effortlessly strutting up the loose soil beside us. It was quite the image.

seeing the ~~cave~~ hole

We started climbing towards the ~~cave~~ hole called the Husgado, or The Judge. It was tough. We were seriously heaving ourselves towards the place yet it was still universes easier than what happened later on. When we finally got to the ~~cave~~ hole, I saw the exit, which was incredibly small and laced with tough, sharp rock. And then (I'm not kidding), tears started involuntarily forming in my eyes. I was suddenly terrified. It looked impossible. But I didn't have to worry about that at that moment since Moscki decided to bring us to the Kalbaryo first before we took the ~~cave~~ hole on.

the Kalbaryo

They weren't being cute or poetic when they called it the Kalbaryo, or The Calvary. It was made up of 3 fucking mountains. And it wasn't some friendly hiker's trail, either. We were climbing up to it, hoisting ourselves onto slippery, moss-covered rocks (which were to acquaint ourselves with about a million times throughout the rest of the day), praying that the 3 inches of stone we tried to use as footholds wouldn't give. We just kept going on and on and on and on and on, heaving ourselves onto rock after rock after rock after rock in one line both in the pouring rain (which was fucking scary because I couldn't see through my glasses) and in the harsh sun (which obviously was also a bitch). I was able to get through it thanks to my classmates' singing (yes, for the first time, Otso-Otso was actually bearable). When I thought we were already at the summit and that my legs were going to fall off and onto whoever was behind me, Ruel, our guide, lightly said that we had 2 more mountains to climb. Gaaaah. So we just kept climbing and climbing and climbing. I had no idea my body was actually capable of that, so I felt pretty accomplished when we got to the top. The bad thing was, I was so exhausted from the entire climb that I was barely talking to anyone and I wasn't able to really touch my lunch save for a forkful or two of veggies. When we went down it was relatively easier but still something I never thought I could do. During the entire time at the Kalbaryo I was basically wondering what the hell I was doing there struggling with a loose boulder hundreds and hundreds (thousands?) of feet from the ground and eons away from civilization.

the Husgado

The Judge. Legend has it that the sinful will have an incredibly hard time, and the more fucked up you are, the harder it is to get out. It wasn't a cave. It was a sharp, rocky hole the size of your body. We had to go in bit by bit, one by one, and help each other through the entire "obstacle course." It was so small that we had to get into positions even the lewdest of minds (*cough*Karl*cough*) wouldn't even dream of thinking up. The hardest part was the second obstacle, where you had to hoist yourself up, twist to the side, move up, lie on your back, twist again to the side, pull yourself up some more, grab a rock ledge, and wriggle your way out into yet another small hole. Geez, it even sounds easier when you blog it. You had to be there. The place was smaaaalllll. If you were claustrophobic, you would have been dead the first five inches of the thing. I had such a tough time on that second obstacle. It felt like I had been trapped underneath an avalanche although suspended in mid-air. And I actually went through a panic attack in the middle of the cave. Ira, who was ahead of me, seriously thought I was going to start crying. But after more wriggling and contortions, I was finally able to get through. When you finally get out, you just wanted to hug the damn post. Legend also has it that if you make it through, your sins from the past 7 years would be forgiven. That means my sins since I was 11 are kaput. Haha. What an appropriate age to start from.

the climb down

After the Husgado ordeal, it began to get dark and we had to go back to the compound in which we were staying. I actually felt relieved at first when we started going down, but I soon regretted it. Sunlight quickly left us, and we spent over an hour ever-so-slowly groping our way down the mountain only with the aid of flashlights. To make it worse, mine conked out early on, so Gian had to help me through the really scary parts. If climbing down the mountain in daylight was tough enough, imagine doing it in the dark, on a trail with more slippery rocks and parts where we had to slowly slide down clumps of loose soil. I still can't believe that I was able to do that. By the time we got back to the compound, I was so happy to be walking and conscious I didn't care that I looked like I had been raped 30 times over by burly woodsmen.

Block A

And finally, I am incredibly glad I did it all with my blockmates. They made this weekend fun. 'Nuff said.

P.S.

Moscki told us that this was going to be a soul searching trip. That we might end the trip having found ourselves or something to that extent. If anything, I learned that my body was actually capable of doing and enduring more than I thought it could. But soul searching? The cleansing of the spirit? Funny, I feel like the same old whore as before (though with painful thighs).

But I like it that way.

2003-12-07T21:10:00.000-08:00

I need a new safety harness.

I have absolutely nothing against my current, dear safety harness (a.k.a. MDSH). It's just that our schedules (very different) and locations (MDSH moved) have grown more and more conflicting throughout the year. It's a pain, to be honest. MDSH even wondered if I got mad at MDSH or something, because contact has grown scarce. I felt very confused about that. I need MDSH too. And things have been incredibly difficult since my last real meeting with MDSH.

I won't give up MDSH. But under the circumstances, I will need another one in order for me not to go nuts. So now I'm on the lookout for my other safety harness, otherwise known as MOSH.

Criteria:

1) has to have an incredibly flexible schedule
2) has commuting skills
3) understands the concept of MOSH very clearly

Of course, the concept of MOSH has to be further elaborated, which requires takers to contact me.

Give it a shot. I promise to be a good MOSH-receptor.

About the Banahaw update...I might have to delay it. Here's a teaser, though: my thighs hurt, I climbed, not hiked, up and down three mountains (collectively known as the Kalbaryo, and god, they weren't being cute when they named it that), climbed back down the initial mountain for an hour in the dark (it was no fucking picnic), and the cave (known as the Husgado) I was raving about was actually an incredibly, incredibly, incredibly small death hole. Oh yes, and moss-covered rocks are now my best friends.

I can't believe I did all that.

2003-12-07T04:24:00.000-08:00

I am back from Banahaw and I am in an extreme amount of pain and I promise to give an update but not now because I need to stop typing now thank you.

2003-12-04T22:20:00.000-08:00

Leaving for Banahaw in a few hours!!! AaAaAaAahhh!!! Road trip!!!

I'm back in Pasig, having finished my morning classes and all. 95% packed. And am about to leave at 5 so Mars and I can help Sir Moscki with the heavy-duty, enough-for-60-people grocery shopping. Yeabah.

Thank god the trip was moved to 8:30 pm. We were supposed to leave at 10 pm due to one member of the BS Psycho Block we're going with, but fortunately, things were compromised at the last second.

AaAaAaAahhh!!! An 8-hour hike + spelunking + the heebie jeebies. Finally, a weekend worth my while. :)

Just wanted to say buh-bye before I leave for the mountain.

Teehee. Ang saya-saya.

2003-12-03T03:36:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to think about those new Juicy Fruit ads. "Wala lang." "hehehehehe." I don't know whether to laud or pity whoever got the idea of disguising the "in" attitude of Not Caring as a competent ad idea.

Dear god. Is Slacker Culture going mainstream?!?

I'm actually stalling for time. I have so much work to do and absolutely no drive to do it. Requirements are beginning to pile up at a terrifying rate.

Haha! Banahaw in 2 days, babies! Road trip # 472, here I come!

Oh Marge, you procastinator, you.

2003-11-30T19:41:00.000-08:00

Here again at the CTC computer lab. The report on coconuts is slowly beginning to gain some sort of form. If Tolentino rejects our idea, it will be all I can do not to chuck the damn nut at her. I'm also dreading the quiz on Wednesday. Word has it that her quizzes are killer. As in you have no idea what the hell she is talking about.

Fought with my mom yesterday about school, as usual. There's a lot of tension between us when it comes to college work. And no, my mom doesn't tell me to work harder; it's the opposite. She wants me to slack off. She wants me not to worry too much. But when I tell her that it's not the way to go (she has no idea how hard it is already and how hard it will be if I don't keep my pace), she goes nuts and starts spouting off about god and religion (don't get me there). She hates seeing me tired during the weekends. But I'd rather that she hate it that I have tons of schoolwork to do and I'm just spacing out in front of the TV.

My mom's like that. She doesn't care where I am as long as I get home in one piece. She doesn't care what I do as long as I don't die violently in the process. And she doesn't care how my schoolwork is going as long as I am able to squeak past the failing mark (which, frankly, I do not ever want to happen to me). Some people say that it's a great setup. Sure, sometimes. But during the times when I need her to boost my morale and tell me that I'm doing the right thing, it feels like she's not really there. Pat on the back and that's it.

Good going. That's nice. Wow.

I want her to care. There's a big difference.

2003-11-29T17:50:00.000-08:00

Good morning. As always, I am here in front of the computer at 9:30 a.m. to do my Sunday ~~rant~~ ~~rant~~ ~~rant~~ ~~rant~~ ~~rant~~ report.

I'm scaring myself. I've been having these dreams lately, and I think they're trying to tell me that I'm repressed. The first one I had was two nights ago, and it was so disturbingly vivid that I told myself that if it happened again the next night, then I had issues. Hah. Well, I woke up this morning a little freaked out. Believe me, the images are still pretty clear. Great. I thought this only happened in HBO shows.

But then again, maybe it was all a coinky-dink that I had the same kind of dream twice in a row. Third time's a non-charm?

I'm seriously worried about these dreams. Does this mean that I have to take action soon? How the hell am I supposed to fit this into my college schedule? I never really thought that my own subconscious would be seriously trying to scream out to me about this topic. Especially at a time when I need to preoccupy myself with so many other things. I told myself a long, long time ago that this wasn't supposed to be a problem. But whyohwhy am I now being bombarded by these particular images? And whyohwhy can I seriously feel each and every moment?

(sniff, sniff) I grow up soooo fast.

2003-11-29T02:30:00.000-08:00

I want to bitch about my Botany teacher.

My Botany teacher was supposed to be Mr. Ralph Lasala, but he got fired because he lied about his thesis to the administration, or something to that extent. He was then declared a "delinquent" teacher and was booted out of Ateneo.

So...

My Botany teacher's name is Mrs. Tolentino.

My Botany teacher is the head of the Ateneo de Manila University's Biology Department.

My Botany teacher admitted to us that she has never taught a simple Natural Science course in her life.

My Botany teacher is old in the intolerant sense.

My Botany teacher placed "The Wonderful World of Botanicals!" in the course syllabus.

My Botany teacher expects us to fully master the topic before she tackles it.

My Botany teacher always asks us, "Shouldn't you already know this?!?!?!"

My Botany teacher knows so much, she digresses into complicated subtopics, veering away from what was supposed to be discussed and confusing the hell out of us.

My Botany teacher talks about the current topic like she was pointing out bathroom directions, with the same haughty vagueness.

My Botany teacher just writes random information on the board.

My Botany teacher keeps on putting question marks on the board and calling them "homework."

My Botany teacher considers finding out the number of artificial elements in existence as "homework" when we're supposed to be tackling the difference between plants and animals.

My Botany teacher is making us write a fucking thesis paper.

My Botany teacher thinks that scientific journals are the be-all and end-all of the universe.

My Botany teacher keeps on complaining that we don't know enough. (Doi. Is it just me, or aren't we supposed to be in college to fucking learn?)

My Botany teacher is sabog in the bad, dizzying sense.

My Botany teacher acts like we're there for a Master's Degree.

My Botany teacher always sounds like she has gum in her mouth.

My Botany teacher could have been a dominatrix in her twenties.

My Botany teacher is famous in Ateneo for giving her class a hard time and very, very low grades.

My Botany teacher is so tough, people actually laugh in my face or grimace and make the "tsk, tsk" sound when I tell them that I am under her this semester.

My Botany teacher actually thinks that her class has the drive to research for their report in UP Los Banos.

My Botany teacher never completes what she writes on the board, so I don't really have legitimate notes to study.

My Botany teacher suddenly moved all our due dates two weeks in advance.

My Botany teacher has a good chance of placing me in academic peril if she goes on like this.

My Botany teacher is a prime reason why I find NatSci courses for Comm majors a complete waste of time and money.

My Botany teacher has forced me to research on coconuts. (Why do I suddenly feel that my platypus days were much, much better than this?)

My Botany teacher can go screw herself with a bamboo shoot.

2003-11-28T07:17:00.000-08:00

Hehe. My friend Minnie sent me this picture of her forcing her tongue to touch the tip of her nose. She's at the National University of Singapore right now and I miss her immensely.

Karl and I met up in UP this afternoon and went around the tiangge with Mars and Ju. This was after my blockmates and I had a terrific lunch at Mang Jimmy's at Balara (recommend, recommend). When the two girls had to go, Karl and I headed over to the Film Center to catch Finding Nemo, a movie I cannot believe Karl missed during the original time of release. (Nemo has a dream of a screenplay. It was so cleverly consistent, it scared me.)

I'm going through my process of recovery quite well, I have to say. This late afternoon going around UP helped a whole lot. Kirsty told me in her reassuring email that I didn't have to worry about self-worth. Because I have great friends who show me in countless ways who I really am.

And that, babies, is a damn good thing.

I wonder how people are all the time. And today, I found out that people wonder about how I am, too.

And again, that, babies, is a damn good thing.

2003-11-27T19:01:00.000-08:00

Help.

I'm in the CTC computer lab, researching on coconuts. I don't even know if I really am supposed to be researching on coconuts. I only know one member of my group in Botany, and he hasn't been replying to my continuous flow of panicked text messages. We don't have a topic yet, we haven't really researched yet, and we have to pass the topic outline with references on Wednesday. For the love of god, we haven't even met as a group yet. I can't contact anyone else. I hung out for a few minutes by the Bota classroom in the hopes that one of them would be there, but no. So I just went over to the computer lab and started researching something just in case. I am in the CTC computer labs, researching on coconuts. And in danger of failing one of the worst classes I could have gotten myself into.

Coconuts. Dear god, what's happening?

2003-11-27T04:46:00.000-08:00

We're going to Banahaw, babies. :)

Filipino 12 with Sir Moscki (a.k.a Moscaya a.k.a Captain Planet) is filled traditionally with all sorts of field trips and gimmicks, a 3-day stay at Mt. Banahaw complete with spelunking, spirit sightings, and a seemingly infamous alcohol-laden last night, being the most-loved.

We were supposed to go on December 12, but due to the debut of one of the members of the Psych block we're going with (gawd), Moscki had to move it even earlier. Like next week. Like next Friday. Hehehehehe.

Moscki said it was going to be quite the experience, and I fully believe him. I just hope that a certain scandal won't be caused by a certain person, it being a double overnight stay and all. If he dares to touch him, all hell will break loose for sure. Things have been getting ~~pretty~~ incredibly tense between the two over the past few months, and I hope the aggressive one has enough brains to figure out that his making a move will just make things worseworseworse. (Please get that into your head, man...dear god, no pun intended...you're sick and delusional enough as it is.)

But I digress.

Back up a mountain again! Back to inclines and jackets and vegetation and stick insects the length of your thigh...how I've missed all that. Makiling, Baguio, and Banahaw all within two weeks of each other.

I need this. I need all of this.

Oh yes. I just want to state the fact that this trip will already be on Friday and that preparations, though last-minute, seem to be a-ok. Now juxtapose that with our dear old Alternative Class Program, which took two months to finally lock together and an hour-and-a-half to just fizzle out. What a waste of special silk-screened shirts. Ateneo cancels itself out so amusingly sometimes.

Good night. I have 3 essays to read and an inexplicably confusing Botany thing to figure out.

Botany. And with the head of the Bio Dep, no less.

OK, OK, this really is it. Good night.

2003-11-26T21:54:00.000-08:00

Hey, what was that you said to me? / Just say the word and I'll be free? / And where the stars are shining bright, / it's gettin' better, man! / And crashing in upon a wave, / it's calling out beyond the grave. / And we're the fire in the sky. / It's gettin' better, man!

- It's Gettin' Better (Man!!), Oasis

At last, things are finally beginning to fall into place. And beginning to get more hectic. I'm going to be so busy that I know I'll find it a little difficult to concentrate on anything else.

Dear lord, I'm getting sleepy. This should not be happening. I have papers and papers to write. And stretches of time I have yet to figure out. But it's getting better. I feel that I'm getting better.

2003-11-26T18:13:00.000-08:00

Watched Tanghalang Ateneo's Don Juan, Ang Babaero ng Sevilla last night with a few blockmates.

I actually have a class with Moscaya in five minutes.

Just wanted to drop a line or two.

Oogle blerp.

2003-11-23T19:48:00.000-08:00

I don't know what's happening anymore.

There was an overwhelming exhange of misinformation this morning, which, to be honest, wasn't much of a surprise judging by the way things have been going ever since this goddamn semester began.

I HATE being in limbo. I HATE it. All this presupposition and paranoia and existing for still-liquid goals. I HATE it. I hate not knowing how I'm supposed to handle things. I hate having to wait for days or even weeks before finally seeing things come into focus. I HATE it.

I don't know what's happening to me anymore and I fucking hate it. I still know how to play the game, but I know that I haven't been playing it well. That's what happens when there are no rules, or when people fuck up whatever rules are left.

No one has any fucking idea how much I just want to grab my bag and go home right now. I want to get out of here. I'm sick of all this.

Struggle pumasok.

Whoever wrote that down was fucking genius.

2003-11-21T08:28:00.000-08:00

Just got back from watching the presentation of the Young Critics Circle's Sine at Suri at the CCP Little Theater (Ju, Mars, and I made a pitstop at Mars' condo for a little grub afterwards).

It's been quite a while since I've gone to CCP, the place I consider my third home, and I couldn't help but feel all nostalgic and comforted once Ju and I entered that painfully familiar carpeted lobby. Jesus, even going into the hallowed comfort room lounge was a joy.

I really love going to CCP for performances, etc. And I had a feeling that something interesting was going to happen, since something always happens each and every time anyway.

Wellwhaddayouknow...

Saw a lot of familiar faces. And had a very loose hunch that I was going to see a particular person by chance. I just felt he was there. And just before we were about to leave, he suddenly went down the large staircase from the grand lobby and headed straight towards me.

Woooh. I should always trust my hunches from now on.

God, that was surreal. Of all the people I could run into at CCP. I felt like a million hidden cameras were quietly breaking out from the rough granite pillars, taking in every single facial expression, every second of small talk. And despite how weird everything felt, I actually didn't want to leave. But of course, that didn't happen, hasn't ever happened, and probably won't ever happen. And that's how things really are between me and my strange friend. Always in a hurry. Rushrushrush.

But at least I saw him when I felt I would. It's really funny when I meet friends I haven't seen in ages.

ACK. I FEEL WEIRD.

Best be off to bed, wench.

2003-11-19T20:41:00.000-08:00

Okay. That's it. This hiatus can go fuck itself.

Obviously, I can't keep myself from blogging. Especially when I agreed to accompany my friends to the CTC computer labs. Doi.

So it's true, then.

Whenever someone else goes on a blogging hiatus, I always wonder how they can keep themselves from exploding into little mung beans from all that frustration. I always told myself that it wouldn't happen to me because it couldn't. I can not blog for several days because I'm busy or there's no Internet or the computer's down, but I cannot not blog for several days because I told myself to.

I was honestly doubting if I could last very long with this hiatus. It was worth a shot. I still am pretty frazzled. But to not rant on my beloved Psychobabble because of being frazzled? I guess it was pretty weird of me to think that I could actually do that. I've been blogging for almost 2 years. I've been feeling pissed since I was 5. I must have been pretty messed up yesterday, then, to have even thought of not posting for a while.

But I don't think I'm that messed up today. Sort of.

Oh, well. Whatever happens, I don't think I will ever go on a hiatus ever again. If my posts become few and far between, then it's all due to my schedule or energy or money or god-knows-what. But never because I willed myself to.

Amen.

2003-11-19T02:02:00.000-08:00

It has finally happened.

I am going on a blogging hiatus.

Not to worry; I will be back soon. It's just that for the past few days, I've been a mess. I have been far from reclusive recently, and I'm beginning to feel that it's part of the problem. Thus, I have decided to momentarily step out of the system for a while. To hibernate. To stop playing the game at least for a short period of time.

I've grown incredibly tired. Please understand.

and to me it doesn't matter / if your hopes and dreams are shattered / cause when you say something / you'll make me believe / in a girl who has a dirty shirt / she knows exactly what she's worth / she knows exactly what she's worth to me.

2003-11-17T03:47:00.000-08:00

Once you pop, you can't stop.

Goddamnit. How I wish that statement didn't have an ounce of truth in it.

Anyway.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers' new video for Fortunes Faded is one of the best videos I've ever seen so far. Ever. Although it still isn't at par with Radiohead's Just video, which is my top choice since forever, it has come pretty close. In the video, the band performs in or moves through spaces that contain frozen light paintings. Light paintings are drawings created by quickly tracing a figure with a beam of light within a dark space. For example, if you quickly flit a lit match across the air in a dark room, you see, for a split-second, a suspended line. Light paintings are exactly the same, although forming figures, which takes an incredibly quick hand to create it, and an even quicker photographer to capture it. Picasso himself was one of the best light painters, and was also one of the art's pioneers. Now imagine a video full of light paintings with people moving in and around them. Delicious.

2003-11-16T04:17:00.000-08:00

Too cool.

We have a treadmill at home now. Tito Gabby brought it here from his old apartment. I've always wanted a treadmill at home. Hehehehe. This is going to be a lot of fun.

Our Christmas lights that blink to tinny Christmas carols are back on again. If time keeps on going at this fast a rate, shouldn't there be a time when I would just keep sitting back on the couch and reailizing that the lights are on again? Because it's so close to feeling that way.

2003-11-15T02:18:00.000-08:00

See? I told you I'd pull myself together by this evening.

The Breakfast Club is one of the very first teen movies, and another "jaded generation" day-in-the-life movie I highly venerate. I'm also a sucker for Dazed and Confused and parts of Can't Hardly Wait (specifically the Seth Green scenes or the non-Jennifer Love Hewitt scenes). But of course, nothing can beat Empire Records. It is beautiful.

These movies are far from cerebral, yet have their own, spare brand of profundity. They're the movies that serve as a gauge between being a person and a fuddy-duddy. If you don't have an inkling of appreciation or recognition for what's being shown onscreen, then, my dear, you have a problem. Because these movies show a raw, truthful life not through some dramatic sequence in the desert, or drug den, or stuffy villa, but through a school library during detention, or a record store, or a simple patch of grass with a beer keg. The dialogue is far from poetic nor intellectual. At some points, you even can't help but cringe at how lame the lines can be. But you can't help but be drawn to these movies because, unlike so many other films that show amazing stories you have a fat chance of experiencing, they show amazing stories all of us have experienced, or will.

And on that note, I am now declaring my first ever Blog Challenge.

Whoever will be able to get me a VCD or DVD copy of Empire Records (it can be second-hand, as long as it works properly) will get an amazing lunch or dinner (depends on you), a blood red, steel-stringed acoustic guitar, and my undying respect.

This is not a joke. I am not kidding about this. And I hope that whoever takes the challenge isn't kidding either. I will treat you to lunch or dinner, I will give you a guitar, and I will respect you for the rest of my life. And you know respect isn't hard to come by nowadays. If you think my prizes aren't enough, I am very, very willing to negotiate. If you want me to reimburse you for the VCD or DVD, fine by me. I'll even throw in some interest along with everything else.

I am a person with needs. Save the Empire.

You can contact me through the tagboard or guestbook, you can blabber back after this entry, you can YM me, or you can email me at carbonated_gothic@hotmail.com with the subject: "for the love of god, read me!!!"

I hope people will take this seriously. I am seriously open for negotiations.

I. Thank. You. *bow*

2003-11-14T21:16:00.000-08:00

Sabog.

I've been quite the ditz yesterday, if anything, and I'm still recuperating from this state of duh-ness. It's 1:04 pm. I'm in a sleepshirt. And I have eye crust. Not very attractive for such a seemingly vibrant Saturday afternoon, I know, I know. But at least I have a few things to look forward to today. The Breakfast Club. The 2003 Europe Music Awards on MTV. I'm a sucker, I know. Let me be. Or I'll wipe my eyecrust on your shirtsleeve.

I have to pull myself together mentally by this evening, though. A bath sounds good.

2003-11-13T04:49:00.000-08:00

The new sem feels so heavy. All of my teachers mean business. Labella, Tolentino, Pangilinan, Moscaya. I'm betting Filipino will be the toughest of the lot, interestingly enough. Moscaya only gives As, Cs, or Fs. And he seriously has our work cut out for us. And he talks via Doppler effect (vvvrrRROOOOOooommm). But I have to admit that he's quite the character. Classes are going to be very interesting (besides nerve-wracking). He did this speech about how we're supposed to be comfortable with the Filipino subject since we've been studying it for 11 years. He is right, of course. But how the hell do I break it to him that for quite a while, my own teachers didn't even take their subject seriously?

My god. Gone are Ocampo, Garcia, and Ulit. The flexi-teachers. The kiddie college profs. Not that my teachers this sem are disagreeable, because they aren't. They're just obviously tough. I'm hoping that's good for me in the end. *gulps*

Damn those intoxicating college movies.

2003-11-10T22:33:00.000-08:00

First, a plug:

Come to the Heights booklaunch for this year's first regular issue this Friday, Nov. 14, 4:30 pm at Sec Lec 2! :)

Next, a greeting:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Legal is gooooood.

And then:

The last day of the semestral break. I'm actually not going through some kind of anxiety. Taking a break from college for roughly a month is just the right amount of time, I think. I'm not raring to go back and work, but I think I'm ready for it. More or less. Kind of. I guess. *shrugs* Maybe. Why not?

(after much complex thought) Sure ba, bebe.

2003-11-10T01:37:00.000-08:00

Watched The Rundown with Carlos and Von as one of our last minute attempts to savor the sembreak. Ahhh...freedom is fleeting!

There are a lot of things I've been keeping on hold for so long that will only be resolved when I go back to school on Wednesday. My god. I hope everything goes as planned, or anything remotely close to that.

Nina texted me last night. We just kept a short text conversation. And she told me that she missed the mocha-flavored candy eggs I used to have by the truckload in the dorm. It was such an interesting detail to highlight. Mocha-flavored candy eggs. Usually, when people reminisce about high school, they remember all the brouhaha, or anything with a dominant, explosive quality. But Nina remembered the mocha-flavored candy eggs, and how we used to finish a bag in 30 minutes while talking about god-knows-what. And I wanted to thank her for even bringing it up. That was one of the most refreshing details I've been reintroduced to yet, especially during a week that bombarded me with Presscon memories. (By the by, congrats, Var!)

Thanks, Nins. :)

2003-11-08T19:29:00.000-08:00

I was supposed to blog last midnight, but my body went through this serious debate whether I really did have the energy to drag myself to the computer hole. So I just decided to place myself in comatose only to wake up at six in the morning to the biting of weird, teeny-tiny black ants. Note to self: never, ever eat Baked Doritos while watching Mucha Lucha ever again.

For the first time in ages, there won't be a family lunch today. My grandparents are leaving for some party, and everybody else called earlier to inform us that they weren't coming. That leaves me and the "quiet singles," Tito Johnny and Tito Gabby.

The days before the return to school are always held in limbo. You feel a little dead and useless. You're not sure if you should savor the remaining moments or start fixing everything up for the new semester. So you just end up in your respective computer holes, ranting about it in your respective blogs.

Von and I were talking on the phone the other day, and he asked me for my Top Ten Things To Do Before I Die. And after much thought, I said:

1) Write a book that will be banned in at least three countries.
2) Go to New York City.
3) Screw certain musicians (wherein I regaled Von with my 3.a, 3.b, 3.c, etc.).
4) Go back to Japan.
5) Get my dream apartment.
6) Be in a rock band.
7) Spend a day with Oasis.
8) Write and direct at least two feature-length films.
9) ****** ****** (and no, this isn't dirty)
10) Find Angelo, the guy who bit my thumb till it bled back in nursery.

Of course, this list changes very frequently. Actually, no, it won't change. It will just have some more stuff added to it. Yeah, that's just about right.

I just realized that there are some things writers find very difficult to write about. There are certain moments in my life that I just can't seem to really describe lit-wise. No matter how hard I try to put these moments down on paper, it just ends up sounding so awkward. Is it a weakness? Or is it a sign that there really are certain things in life that are just too amazing/complicated for me to write about? Because when I think about it, I'd rather that these moments just be preserved in my mind than in print. But still, am I unconsciously prohibiting myself or do I just not have the power (or the right) to?

2003-11-08T01:16:00.000-08:00

I am one of the most bored people on the planet right now.

This was taken from Chris:

1. Name:
Marguerite Alcazaren de Leon

2. Were you named after anyone?
I was named after my older sister who died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome; she was really the one who was supposed to get the name Marguerite. My mom saw the name on a flower poster (can you believe it...) that her boss at her old ad agency distributed to his workers for Christmas. She really liked the name and swore to herself that she would name her first daughter that. Problem was, the first Marguerite died, so I took her place after 3 years.

3. Do you wish on stars?
I haven't done so recently; although I do remember going on a star-wishing craze back in my freshman year of high school. It was seriously mandatory in my schedule.

4. Which finger is your favorite?
The middle finger of my left hand. It's the one I use for cursing people the most. :)

5. When did you last cry?
During my last breakdown.

6. If you were making a movie about yourself, who would play you?
I remember answering this damn question in the last questionnaire I did, just like Chris. I'll say it again because I'm awfully ~~bored~~ patient right now: Janeane Garofalo. She is the nineties.

7. Do you like your handwriting?
Yes. I was especially happy about my handwriting back in senior year, when a friend told me that incredibly loopy handwriting usually equated to a very high sex drive.

8. Who are you jealous of?
Quark Henares, because he has already done everything I've ever wanted to do in my entire life before turning 22. But I guess that's also why I love him very, very much. :) *hugs Quark*

9. What is the #1 and #2 priority in your life?
#1: to live
#2: to live

10. What is your favorite lunch meat?
~~Ma Ling's Egg Rolls with Pork!~~ chicken or pork...I rarely like beef

11. Any bad habits?
Again, like Chris, answering these questionnaires. Oh, and biting my fingernails.

12. What store would you never be caught dead in?
Kamiseta, Bayo, and the like. Unless you paid me.

13.If you were another person, would you be friends WITH you?
What a stupid question. It needs plenty of elaboration before a real answer can be created. First of all, what kind of person will this other person be? But if the question just means any kind of person, then my answer is: I hope so.

14. Are you a daredevil?
I try to enter each and every situation/opportunity that comes my way.

15. Do you follow or lead?
Depends on what's being taken care of.

16. Have you ever stolen anything?
I didn't know I stole it. I was 8 years old, and my mom left my brother and me in a daycare center in the mall. I got really hungry, so I went over to the little snack store and grabbed a packet of animal crackers. I seriously thought they were for free. I only realized that I stole it when I noticed one of the parents handing money over to the girl at the counter. By then, I'd already finished the last cracker, so I just threw the wrapper in the trash as discreetly as possible.

17. Do you pray?
I used to do traditional praying when I was younger. Now, it's more of just talking to the Big Kahuna.

18. Have you ever met anyone famous?
I've met a lot of great artists throughout my time in Makiling. And I interviewed and had the weirdest lunch of my life with Imelda Marcos a year ago.

19. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?
I refuse to answer this stupid question.

20. Are you trendy?
No.

21. What do you do to vent anger?
I write, listen to music, blog, talk on the phone, run off to the mall and watch a movie, eat sushi, drink coffee, smoke, and occasionally scream into my pillow.

22. Are you passive or aggressive?
I think I'm more aggressive than passive, although I can be really blah sometimes.

23. Do you trust others easily?
I really don't know. That is a tough question. Depends on the person, I guess.

24. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Play-doh and Lego. I lived for the stuff. But I remember always making the same things. With Play-doh, I made spirals. With Lego, I made tall buildings with no windows.

25. What class in school did you think was totally useless?
INTACT. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

26. Do you like sappy love songs?
That reminds me, let me throw the guy who made this questionnaire along with the sappy love song people I plan to incinerate in the bodega.

27. Do you have a journal?
What the hell do you think this is?

28. Have you ever intentionally hurt someone?
Does throwing an eraser at my classmate back in the third grade count? She was such a bitch.

29. Do you like sarcasm?
Ooooh, I haaate sarcasm soooo muuuch...it's soooo stupiiiiid. (I hope this answers your question.)

30. Have you ever been in a mosh pit?
Yes, at the very, very front. I didn't/couldn't mosh. I was squeezed against the huge-ass speakers instead.

31. Would you rather have a sore throat or an upset stomach?
Upset stomach. Because you can whine about it. With a sore throat, you just can't. And wouldn't that be a bitch.

32. Have you thought seriously about committing suicide?
Yes, but I'm waaaay over that.

33. What is your nickname?
Margie, Marge, Sanggol. And occasionally, Hoy, Pssst.

34. Are you a vegetarian?
No.

35. Would you ever bungee jump?
Yes.

36. What are you worried about right now?
How much time I'm wasting on this questionnaire. I'm feeling incredibly guilty.

37. Do you ever wear overalls?
Back in 4th grade. And never again.

38. Do you think you are strong (emotionally)?
I try.

39. What's your favorite scent?
wet earth and bedsheets

40. Who do you like?
Whoever had the sheer will to actually reach this part of the questionnaire. Galing mo, pare. Bilib ako sa 'yo.

41. What is your favorite part of chicken and dumplings?
Chicken, legs. Dumpling, the crusty part of the wrapper.

42. What scares or grosses you out?
Thoughts of any member of the faculty naked.

43. What is your favorite color?
Black, but it isn't one, so I just wasted your time and mine.

44. Who would you like to meet that is famous?
OASIS!

45. Who would you like to date or marry that’s famous?
Date only. Brandon Boyd. *melts*

46. Song you can relate to as of now?
Chicosci's Paris

47. Are You A

Class Clown:
Not really. I think we all try to be, anyway.

Goodie 2 Shoes:
No.

Daydreamer:
Yes.

48. Does size matter?
To some extent, yes. But, no matter how old and tiring this already sounds, it really is in the performance.

49. This or That
Hahahahaha! This has got to be the most amusing questionnaire question I've ever come across in my entire life. Let me humor it. That.

50. Paper or Plastic:
Paper.

51. Deaf or Blind:
I'd rather be blind than unable to hear any form of music ever again. That would be unbearable.

52. Truth or Dare:
Truth. Like many Truth-pickers, I'm just too damn lazy to get up and do a dare. Plus, it's less humiliating that way. I think.

53. Night or Day:
Depends on the activity.

54. Chocolate Chip or Oatmeal Raisin:
Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Raisin.

55. MTV, VH1, BET, CMT, BOX:
MTV. Although sometimes, VH1 shows videos I've been longing to see for eons. Now, if we had BET (Black Entertainment Television) over here, that would be damn interesting. What's CMT and BOX? Can't we have Comedy Central over here?

56. Beavis or Butthead:
Butthead. For some strange reason, Butthead sounds less pathetic than Beavis.

57. Ocean or Pool:
Ocean.

58. Cake or Pie:
Cake.

59. Chocolate or Vanilla:
Chocolate.

60. Boxers or Briefs:
Boxers. They're so much sexier. :)

61. Cats or Dogs:
Cats. They're the malditas of the animal world.

62. Love or Lust:
Depends. But I usually go with a healthy (?) mixture of both.

63. Gun or Knife:
Knife. Quieter and less bulky. And cheaper. And more dramatic, I think.

64. Pancakes or French Toast:
Ack, hard question. French toast.

65. Bitter or Sweet:
Sweeeeeeeet.

66. Silver or Gold:
Silver.

67. Smoker or Nonsmoker:
Smoker.

68. Diamonds or Pearls:
Diamonds. I hate pearls. They're so...eck.

69. Croutons or Bacon Bits:
Why did they reserve the 69th question for THIS?!?!?! What a waste...bacon bits, I guess.

70. Shaken or Stirred:
Shaken.

71. Goody Goody or Naughty Naughty:
Hehehehehehehe.

72. Democrat or Republican:
Democrat. Although I really don't care.

73. Taco or Burrito:
Burritos. They're less messy. And I love pita.

74. Complex or Simple:
Depends on what. But I usually end up with complex.

75. Armageddon or Independence Day:
I actually didn't like both.

76. Batman or Superman?
Batman, because he doesn't need superpowers to fight crime. And he has a cool cave and a mansion and a ~~stripper's~~ pole. And he's the darker, more brooding of the two. What does Superman have? Spandex, a phone booth, and too much hairgel.

Wow. My fingers hurt.

2003-11-07T18:52:00.000-08:00

Thank you so much for that sobering talk. You have made me not care, and that's quite the feat.

That's my one problem with sembreaks. Sometimes, you just can't help but have those days when you realize that there is nothing to do, and you just sit there. And because you've been staring at the wall for so long, you start thinking about things. And for people who have known me for a long, long time, this gives way to disaster. Place me in a small, quiet room for a few hours straight and I'll come out maniacal.

One of the most common statements addressed to me has always been, you think too much. I tend to worry about future events. I'm not an organized person, but for some reason, my brain tries to force me to be organized. Please keep in mind that organizing a natural whirlwind of thought is near to impossible. So what's the one side-effect? Well, I snap.

But I'm okay now. I promise.

I will not sit on our couch doing nothing for 2 hours straight ever again.

2003-11-06T23:27:00.000-08:00

Jabberwocky

Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought--
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!
He chortled in his joy.

Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

I love this poem. I even have the French and German versions, as well as the meanings of all the nonsense words in it. It's one of those pieces you just want to say over and over again.

And yes, this is my desperate attempt to while away the afternoon.

Oh, well. Might as well make a list while I'm at it.

movies, TV shows and a book that have made me cry for the weirdest reasons:

1) Sex and the City's "i heart ny" episode
2) Ice Age
3) Chicago
4) Cruel Intentions
5) that episode of Pound Puppies where the blonde bombshell bitch gets kidnapped
6) that Babar movie where those bastard rhinos hold all the elephant subjects captive
7) Amelie
8) A Hundred Years of Solitude (I cried out of pure fear. For some very weird, inexplicable reason, I was terrified of the ending, when everything historically falls into place.)
9) The Grinch
10) the final episode of Mr. Belvedere
11) the final episode of Brittas Empire
12) countless episodes of Six Feet Under

(I didn't include The Hours and The Perks of Being A Wallflower because I had the right reasons.)

I'm booooooooorrrrreeeed.

Booooooooooooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeedddddddd.

2003-11-05T22:27:00.000-08:00

I have finally finished my short story, The Longest Day. I'm very sure it still needs to be fixed up, but still, I am incredibly happy that I've done the entire bulk of that baby. It seriously drained me.

2003-11-05T04:04:00.000-08:00

I got the new Outkast album (which is actually 2 individually-made CDs--one for Big Boi, Speakerboxxx, the other one for Dre, The Love Below). It is good stuff, babies. Like ear-Slurpees. Recommend, recommend. These two make very intelligent, ice-hot hiphop.

This may come as a surprise to some people since I rarely rave about music out of the rock/alternative/triphop genre. But it's true, I love Outkast. I also have their Stankonia album, which is also really good. I have to admit, though, that their new album kicks more ass.

I really get disappointed when some so-called rockers snub me when I admit to liking Outkast. Get over it, dummies. They pour their hearts and souls into their work through funky PVC pipes and they have gained my respect. They're more about music. True, Big Boi has a stripper pole in his basement and produced A.D.I.D.A.S. (which got really old, really fast) but I'll forgive him for that. It's actually Dre's part that I really love. He creates honest-to-goodness funk, babies, which is an artistic, more sensual, and much more cerebral change from the likes of Chingy's Right Thurr (which is just sad) and Sisqo's The Thong Song (fill in with highly exasperated, angry, hysterical parenthetical statement).

The coolest muthafuckas on the planet. The sky is falling, ain't no need to panic.

2003-11-04T03:45:00.000-08:00

My grandparents have done at least one crossword puzzle practically every single day of their lives for over a decade. They really put their love into it. They can't sleep until all those blank boxes have been filled. We have about 3 crossword dictionaries and a gazillion thesauri scattered around the house, along with a supply of pencils, a special sharpener, and a magnifying glass for small newspaper print. It's simply amazing how they can just keep doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. The only variation these two have are with the things they eat. (Ooh, it's French toast Friday!!!) And there are the holidays. But then again, the Alcazarens do their holidays the same year in, year out. So I guess that leaves us with the toast, then.

I just received an email from a friend I haven't seen in quite some time. It hasn't been incredibly long since we last saw each other (a little over 2 months), but judging from how our friendship was built up, it seems a little sad that we've been deprived of contact at all.

And here I go again. I guess I'm just one of those people who just innately miss others. And then when I receive some message or signal from these people, I suddenly miss them way too much.

He doesn't look or seem the part at all, but he is one of the most level-headed people I've ever had the privilege to be friends with. And in such an abstract environment such as the city, his presence mellowed me out, grounded me (if you can call it that), made me feel like a made-for-TV problem teen rather than someone who just sublimates and scatters around. You are missed, man. And I think you know that.

I also received an email from a friend who told me that she has finally found her music. I am incredibly happy for her. Finding your music is one of the most important things to happen to you in your entire life. I am also incredibly glad that I was able to be partly responsible for this epiphany.

I watched The Phone with Mars, Carlos, and Von yesterday. I like it. For one, I like it better than The Ring (which, I'm sorry, didn't really impress me). And the child-actor was freaking scary. She didn't simply act stoned like a lot of scary movie kids. She was possessed sans the vomit and twirling head. She was satan in bangs.

I also got my grades yesterday. Happy with the results, although it is a little unnerving that our Fiction grades weren't sent early enough to be printed on our grades sheet, thus leaving MO1 in suspense as to what our QPIs are.

Meeting Mars tomorrow for a little food trip before the reg. We're at the end of the line thanks to that brilliant random number scheme, so have the entire morning to kill. Oh well.

2003-11-01T23:49:00.000-08:00

I've graduated from all five phases of acceptance (version 5.1 - Acceptance of The Impending New Semester) and am considerably calmed down now. Back to college in a little over a week. But I guess there isn't too much of a difference since I go back home everyday anyway. It's not like I'll be missing sitcoms or anything. *phew*

Whammy's sleeping over! Yay! His sembreak ends on Wednesday, so we were able to convince him to stay a night or two in Pasig. It's been ages since he's slept over. He's out right now, actually, buying underwear for tomorrow. Haha.

Last Friday night, my Tito Mike strutted his stuff on the runway at Greenbelt 3. He was chosen, along with a few others, to represent the advertising community in this fashion show that mixes professional models and, well, professionals. He has even appeared in print ads the past few weeks, which has delighted my relatives and weirded me out. It's a pity I wasn't able to see him on the runway; that would have been hilarious. My grandparents did go, though, which is interesting/hilarious in itself. Imagine, my lolo and lola sitting by the catwalk amidst rhinestones, digicam flashes, halter tops and artificial fog. Precious. And when they returned, my grandmother was raving about the show, which was surprising coming from a woman who always complained about anything that was crowded, noisy, or generally unfamiliar. She even raved about the rap group that performed during the show. She couldn't remember the name of the group, but I hope to god it was something decent.

Quote of the week: (in confused lola voice) "Aba, nagustuhan ko talaga yung, yung tinatawag na...rap music."

2003-10-31T23:01:00.000-08:00

Carlos and I were talking last night, and we both realized that there happened to be a lot more that I forgot to mention about the Baguio trip. Ehehehe. Let's play a little catch-up, shall we?

Glenn Alvin

Either he's overly friendly or overly lonely, although I must insist that he's leaning oh so strongly on the latter. He's the desk/floor manager of the condo building we stayed in, and during all three of our days there, he has managed to interrogate us with an interest that seems to oooooooze into a messy puddle around our legs. In other words, he creeped us out.

Ju and I were the first ones to meet him. On our first day, Ju and I went up to the roofdeck to check the view out, when he went up to us and started talking to us all of a sudden. He asked us if we liked the view, how old we were, how long we were staying, which cities we came from, which neighborhoods, what school we were from, what we were planning to do, how many we were in the group, etc., which Ju and I all answered with bewildered politeness. And then, he left us, saying something like, "Check you guys later, and, oh, I do smoke, too."

Ever since then, he would always catch us in the building's lobby and keep asking us more and more about our trip. We even got into this really retarded conversation about what we did at night in Baguio. We kept on telling him that we did stay up and went to bars and whatnot, but for some reason he couldn't understand what we were saying and kept on asking us if we had a nightlife. Ang kulit. And then he told us that there were two kinds of nightlife: going to bars and clubs or drinking, driving, and doing drugs, which he seemed to be encouraging us to do. Ju, Acar, and I just stared back at him. Oh yeah, and he also asked Ju, Acar, and I if we were able to get any numbers from guys or if guys asked for any of our numbers back when we were at the bars. He said it with such a lasciviousness that I wanted to run up the condo and take a shower.

He gave almost all of us his business card. Before we left on the third day, he handed Carlos one and said that if we ever needed a tour guide the next time, he was the man for us. He said that he knew "places." Yikes.

silver lust

We went to Pilak, a silver store where the people went nuts over the stuff. But the one most taken by the stuff was Carlos, who has developed a still-present silver lust after he bought his crucifix on a chain. He loves the feeling of icy metal on his collarbone. He loves it. So when the chain broke on our second night, he was RARING to go back to Pilak and get a new one. Silver lust. Metal on skin. Yum.

binoculars

At the condo, there was a pair of binoculars we all put to good use. We spied on the people on the street, with Ju making a hilarious move-by-move commentary. What I'd give to have a motel right across from us.

second floor parking ramp

It was steeeeeeep. Steeeeeeeep. Seriously like a rollercoaster. Seriously. Steeeeeeeeep. And yes, I screamed.

ganja

Everyone knows Baguio is famous for their greens. So everytime we walked around Burnham Park (a.k.a. doobie-purchase center), Ju and I would say "ganja" every now and then in the hopes that someone would react.

condo elevator

For the love of god, run in!!!

car door

After our breakfast stop on our way to Baguio, I almost got into the wrong car. They left the frigging thing open!!! Ehehehehe. I just kept staring the alien pink/orange pillows, wondering how the hell they had wound up there.

Shellane!

Thanks to Ju, it is our new, multi-purpose verb/noun/adjective/pronoun/adverb/what-have-you. Shumeshellane. Shinellane. Shellane-shellane. Nagshellane. Magsheshellane. Shellane, bebe.

sun roof

Carlos' van has a sun roof, man. We had the time of our lives going up and down the mountain sticking out of the van's roof.

ghost at Burnham Park

We were walking along Burnham Park late in the evening, when a white trashcan far away seriously looked like a limp girl. Freak out time for Acar.

Ma Ling egg rolls with pork

They are the most evil-looking (but nice-tasting) canned food I have ever, ever come across. Ever. I expected them to move.

Shellane!

2003-10-30T23:27:00.000-08:00

Hehehehe. Baguio was fun. An enormous thank you to Carlos, who made these three days possible.

Quick Highlights:

the condo

The comfy place was five minutes away from everything. Burnham Park, Cafe by the Ruins, Session Road, the market, various ukay-ukays, etc. were only short walks away.

pekwa

This card game is a top-runner for Budding Addiction.

Le Fondue

We went here on our first night in Baguio. The folk singer needed a little re-tuning, but he does requests, so we were very happy about that. I had my first taste of strawberry wine, and if it weren't for the fact that it's hard to get any back here, I'd already be an alcoholic.

ukay-ukay

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Heaven, pare. Finding nice clothes at the ukay was a no-brainer in Baguio. I bought amazing skirts and shirts (one Keith Haring print and another one you simply have to see in real-life) in short periods of time. Ju even got her legendary pink Converse high-tops for 150 bucks, and rumor has it around the ukay that they were donated by someone pretty famous.

Simple Tunes

We went there on our second night, and a very good reggae band was playing. Very, very good. They covered Bob Marley, The Doors, and E-heads, which simply clinched Ju's and my night. It's a pity their name's so shitty: Rewind. But I'll forgive them this time.

Cafe by the Ruins

Have breakfast there, goddamnit. :)

Fr. Carlus St. and Session Road at midnight

Hahahahahahaha! Oh, those drunken Koreans...

car food trip

On the way back, we got stuck in major traffic at Pampanga, and got incredibly hungry. Canned vienna sausage drained via-car window has never tasted so good.

Basta, it was a great three days. It feels so good to live again.

I'm still working on my short story. I have a feeling this is my most emotionally-trying piece to date. I'm purging like I've never purged before.

Purge. What an ugly word.

And how could I forget:

Happy Halloween, babies! I actually don't have any plans for Halloween this year. Actually, I haven't done anything for Halloween ever since Makiling, especially since Halloween usually falls on PressCon season (and besides, the PressCon's regional director Ma'am Bernardino is enough of a maligna for us). Mama and Liam did drop by last night to give me a little bit of Halloween candy, which I eagerly snarfed down while watching Just Shoot Me. Candy and sitcoms. Yes, I think that's a legitimate form of celebration.

2003-10-29T22:05:00.000-08:00

I am back, babies!!! :D

I would tell you all about the trip, but I'm still going through a bit of car-lag.

Later, later. Shellane!

2003-10-26T01:50:00.000-08:00

I accompanied Karl today to ABS-CBN as he submitted his application for the free sreenwriting workshop. We thought only a handful would show up, but no. Over 2000 was more like it. Fortunately, Julia and her friends from UP were also there, surprise, surprise, and we went through the first part of the line together. Problem was, Ju and I had yet to really pack for Baguio, so we had to leave earlier. Man. I have a feeling the guys are still in line. And they'll only choose 30 members out of ALL the applicants. I wish those three the very best of luck.

Registered for the 2004 elections this morning. Incidentally, the news late last night featured the horrid support rally for FPJ at the Cuneta Astrodome. Gazillions were there, all with the same Erap-struck smiles on their faces. FPJ's promises sounded eerily, forebodingly familiar. The bastards even look alike, goddamnit. This country's going to ruin. My mom and I even talked about it while we were lining up for registration. We also talked about those at Sodom and Gomorrah and how they had it easy when it came to redeveloping their place. They have God's wrath and fury. What do we have? Bayani Fernando's color scheme.

I don't care what other people say about the little gimmicks with the MMDA art and the pink urinals. You know what's so fucked up about those? The fact that there is no discipline implemented in these solutions. In fact, these solutions even encourage upsetting behavior all the more. Instead of abolishing vandalism, they just shut up and paint over the things (and I don't care what they say...those monochromatic cubes are NOT appealing). Instead of abolishing peeing in public places, they just shut up and put up little urinals so the guys can still do their business only in some Barbie shelter. These solutions cannot improve anything. They are actually showing all of us that it's okay to do certain unlawful things since the government puts up facilities or creates gimmicks that simply prostate themselves before these said unlawful things. It's like sweeping the dust under the rug instead of vacuuming and polishing the floor. The government is just placing layer upon layer of Band-Aids on Manila without ever thinking of actually treating it with some sort of cure. And why do they do that? Because there is no trust among Filipinos to do their duty as responsible citizens. The government accepts the fact that there plenty of irresponsible dolts out there whose lifestyle and way of thinking has become so pampered that they are now hard to counter. And why are they pampered? Because our government is shitty. And why is our government shitty? Sorry, I don't want to go in circles. I think the idea's pretty clear.

I'm obviously not very optimistic when it comes to the Philippine government. Babies, I heard Gomorrah's beautiful this time of year.

On a nicer, more positive note that awkwardly clashes with the above few paragraphs:

The Baguio trip is tomorrow! YYYYYEEESSSS!!!!! Ube and ukay, here I come.

2003-10-25T04:59:00.000-07:00

These congratulations are a tad overdue:

To my Tito, who has a girlfriend once again (and quite the catch, I am told). Souls like yours can only be put on hold for so long. (Don't worry, lolo and lola are ecstatic about it.)

I haven't done an online quiz in ages...

you are the cute but psycho happy bunny. You
adorable, but a little out there. It's alright,
you might not have it all, but there are worse

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Well, at least it's happy. :)

2003-10-23T00:12:00.000-07:00

Karl texted me this morning. Elliot Smith is dead at 34. He killed himself yesterday. The guy who wrote the haunting Miss Misery, a song which shook me at the shoulders when I was about 12 years old, is dead. I received the message a few minutes after I had woken up.

The night before, as I was rereading a chapter of Midnight's Children, the part where almost everyone in Saleem's family dies, I suddenly had that terrible, terrible feeling of being closed in. That no matter what I did, all this will come to a stop, just like that, and god-knows-what will come out of it on my end and in everybody else's. Fortunately, I was able to get myself out of thinking too much and returned to the book.

But still. The thought of dying used to scare me so much when I was much younger. I remember sitting in the very same room I sleep in now (which used to be my ninang's) and realizing that one day, I would not be there anymore. And that it was a terribly inescapable fact. I couldn't breathe, and I started crying. I remember looking for my mother in the house, but she was at work. And ever since then, I sometimes had these panic attacks, and I would always be looking for my mother.

It's pretty obvious that I give high importance to memory. I miss people, objects, events a whole lot. And I know it sounds incredibly illogical, but one of my reasons for fearing death is that I am afraid that when I die, I will start missing people, objects, events too much. That I would be cut off from everything I deem so important. That I would be stuck in this one place or position, conscious of the fact that I wasn't with these people, or interacting with these objects, or experiencing any of these events. I don't know where I stand when it comes to the belief in ghosts, but many people have told me that my way of thinking adheres to the true belief in them. I don't know if I do, but I have to admit that the concept of missing people after death is very akin to the desires of these filmy forlorn. I'm still alive and I am already going around wondering and remembering. I feel that death will just thrust me back into the world, only with some impenetrable wall built for me to pound away at, to stick myself against in some attempt to interact with the many things that I love.

So I guess seeing things with such sentimentality or wonder is double-edged. It does make me see everything that has happened to me as a form of intoxication, a wonderfully addictive experience that I live to look back on. But then I tend to miss everything so much to the point that I imagine myself dying and still pining away.

2003-10-22T07:43:00.000-07:00

I called one of my "brothers" up last night and felt comforted. The guy could dictate to me a recipe for pinakbet and I'd still feel universes better.

I have been good/ I've understood/ and like a machine they'll fix you from the start

- In Repair, Our Lady Peace

2003-10-21T07:19:00.000-07:00

Anna Miggy, if you're reading this: thank you so much for two wonderful days.

I am a sap tonight for many reasons.

Back from Makiling. It's pretty much the same. The experience lost its edge, though, because only 4 of us were from ViCe. The mountain is never that vibrant to me without my batchmates. I miss them all so much.

I really, really, really, really miss them. I miss living with them. I lived with them for 4 years. It's different from seeing each other for just a period each day. My life couldn't help but revolve around them, and I happened to like that very much.

Tonight, I especially miss my "brothers." Nellytix, the several J's. I miss them. I miss hanging out with them in the evenings. And I feel especially amazed and alone tonight.

I miss the evenings, babies. Do you miss the evenings too?

I hope you three babies have a great night. I wish we still had a veranda to share.

2003-10-20T03:34:00.000-07:00

I will give this post over to my two friends, April and Anna: (girls, please be gentle)

April: Hey! Ü Margie's beautiful!!! Ü Do you believe me? If so, make a poll! Let's vote!

Margie: Gaga. Wala talagang magawa sa buhay.

Anna: Hey. The last time I saw Marge's blog, I was with Feona (our friend from high school). And Marge said something like, Anna and Feona are at my house...Anna's scary. When I looked for my name on the net (for no reason really...maybe just an ego trip) Marge's blog popped out among the results. Yikes.

2003-10-19T19:11:00.000-07:00

One last blog entry before I go. I couldn't resist. Plus, it's only 9:40 in the morning. The hours have been painfully stretched.

The last time we visited Makiling, we suddenly left it in a bitter, confused, crushed hurry. We barely saw or said goodbye to the people we wanted to visit, because under the circumstances, we thought it was just best to leave (and I think some people on the mountain did so too). I know we won't be walking down the mountain this time in the middle of a rainstorm. But I still don't know what's in store for us up there. Nobody can really tell what's in store for you, you know, whether you're a present student there or not. And at least we're a little bit more learned now, a little bit more shielded or indifferent towards what set us flying down the mountain in such an emotional mess the last time.

Some events in our lives move so slowly, while the other events seem to just speed by and run us over. Haha. Tomorrow will be quite the anniversary.

2003-10-19T07:40:00.000-07:00

WE'RE GOING TO BAGUIO, BABY!!!

Imagine, a road trip! And a 3-day stay! I am loving this sembreak, babies. We (some blockmates and I) are leaving next Monday, on the 27th, and returning on Wednesday. I can't fucking wait.

The YFU Orientation this afternoon was okay. The new batch seems timid and lost, (as if we weren't...okay, we weren't timid at least). And of course Bettina was there. And of course she did the exact same monologue she did about her Japan trip for us to the newbies. And of course the word "like" remained a staple in her vocabulary. Actually, come to think of it, everything besides Bettina seemed the same, even after two long years. Ogge's still outspoken and creeped out (immensely) by the fact that Karl and I were born with a phallocentric way of thinking. Anthony's still calm, cynical, and funny. Karl and I were our dirty old selves. It was a pity Vanessa couldn't make it. And guess what...all of us actually had a conversation with Bettina. It is actually humanly possible not to throw up while doing so, although it was very difficult, nevertheless.

After the meeting, Karl and I went to Megamall, where we braved the 3-Day Sale throng. Since Baguio was confirmed and the sleepover and Makiling trip starts tomorrow, I didn't buy anything. Just some Quickly. :) No way in hell was I passing up a Quickly.

I love my friends. They know the right things to say. Mmwah.

I like this day.

2003-10-17T22:41:00.000-07:00

Liver is deeelicious. Especially when barbecued. I don't care what anybody else thinks.

But more importantly...

I woke up to the Twilight Zone at 9:30 in the morning.

I have this habit of leaving the door of the computer ~~room~~ hole open while I type. The door opens out to a little space outside of the actual house, just before the gate.

Last night, I was at the computer as usual, troubled over a segment of my short story I couldn't help but think was awkward, when a cat walked in. I didn't notice it entering at all. But nevertheless, the little kitty made sure his presence was known the next morning. I was about to take a bath in my Tito Gabby's blue bathroom (it was much more decent than the yellow-lit, leaky, broken down salmon one I had), and switched his radio on to NU for some perfect Remote Control Saturday shower music, when I noticed on the mock-Tahitian cover slip of my uncle's divan...5 pieces of cat shit. Since I didn't know about the cat, I just stared at the little, crumbly turds with bewilderment. And the only thing I could think was, that must have been one huge-ass lizard.

Forgive me. I just woke up then.

When I went down for the remnants of breakfast my grandparents left for their oversleeping granddaughter, I looked out of the wire-meshed sliding doors, to the basketball court's cracked green wall. And on it, in Crayola Sidewalk Chalk, was a picture of a flattened kitten and the threat, Enemies of The Hell, Beware!

Did my 9-year-old cousin mean enemies from hell or enemies of hell? If it was the latter, did that mean that she deemed the family compound in Pasig as hell, and that she took it upon herself to save it? And why would she be saving hell in the first place? And what's with the flattened kitten?

Then it hit me: The cat who slipped in last night was an Enemy of The Hell, and his 5 pieces of kitty-do were some sort of omen of things to come. Then I sat at the dining table and made myself a leftover-bacon sandwich.

Then, Merc called me up to clarify the trip to Makiling. And she told me that we were going up on Tuesday, October 21. It couldn't have gotten more ominous than that. On October 21, 2002, something happened that seriously turned my world upside-down. Doors were opened. Doors were closed. And I spent that night pacing the floor till 3 am. It was one of the most unplanned, unexpected, spontaneous, surprising, exhilarating, incredible nights of my life.

And this year, I am going up the mountain, to the actual place where life doused me with cold, refreshing water that mind-boggling night. I thought I would just recall that night on Tuesday safe at home, able to carefully harness my memories into a moment of reminiscing. But no. I am going to Makiling, where I will take an actual, walk-through tour through the world encased in the museum in my head. And I hope to god I can keep myself together.

In fairness, this afternoon's been pretty normal.

2003-10-17T00:27:00.000-07:00

I'm a die-hard 90's kid. Are you?

1. Paborito mong panoorin ang Shaider, Bio-man,
Maskman, Mask Rider Black, Machine Man at kung
ano-anong TV sitcom ng Japan na isinalin sa Tagalog.
Break muna sa mga laro kapag alas singko na ng hapon
tuwing Sabado dahil panahon na para sa superhero
marathon.

2. Alam mo ang jingle ng Nano-Nano. (isang kending
las ang champoy)

3. Nanood ka ng Takeshi's Castle at naniwala kang si
Anjo Yllana talaga si Takeshi at si Smokey Manaloto
ang kanyang alalay. (Pinagiisipan mo - pano sila
lumalaban sa final challenge na parang nakasakay
sila sa isang bumpcar at nagbabarilan sila gamit ang
water gun gayong sa Japan ginagawa yun eh taga
Pilipinas sila?)

4. Alam mo ang pa-contest ng Kool 106 na
uulit-ulitin mong bigkasin ang "Kool 106, Kool 106"
hanggang maubusan ka ng hininga.

5. Naglaro ka ng Shake-Shake Shampoo,
Monkey-Monkey-Annabelle, prikidam 123,
Langit-Lupa-Impyerno, Syato, Luksong-Tinik,
Luksong-Baka, 10-20 at kung ano-ano pang larong
nakakapagod.

6. Pumunta ang mga taga- MILO sa skul niyo at
namigay sila ng samples na nakalagay sa plastic cup na kasing laki nung sa maliit na ice cream. (at
nagtaka ka, bakit hindi ganito ang lasa ng MILO
kapag tinitimpla ko sa bahay namin?)

7. May malaking away ang mga METAL (mga punks na
naka itim) at mga HIPHOP (mga taong naka maluwang na
puruntong na kahit Makita na ang dalawang bundok.)
Nag-aabangan sa mall na may dalang baseball bat at
kung anu-ano pang mga sandata. Sikat ang kasabihang
"PUNKS NOT DEAD!" pero kung gusto mong mag play
safe, pwede mong tawagin ang sarili mong HIPTAL.

8. Alam mo ang universal uwian song na "Uwian na!"
na kinakanta sa tono na parang doon sa kinakasal.

9. Nagpauto ka sa Batibot pero hindi sa ATBP.

10. Nakipag-away ka para makapaglaro ng brick game.
(hi-tech na yun noon)

11. Ang "text" noon ay mga 1"x1.5" na karton na may
mg a drawing ng pelikulang pinoy. (at may dialog pa!)

12. Dalawa lang ang todong sumikat na wrestler, si
Hulk Hogan at si Ultimate Warrior. Naniwala ka rin
na namatay si Ultimate Warrior nang buhatin niya si
Andre d' Giant dahil pumutok ang mga ugat niya sa
muscle.

13. Nagsayaw ka ng running man at kung anu-anong
dance steps na nakapagpamukha sa'yong tanga sa saliw
na kantang Ice Ice Baby, Wiggle It, Pray at Can't
Touch This.

14. Hindi ka gaanong mahilig sa That's Entertainment
at pinapanood mo lang ito tuwing Sabado kung saan
nagpapagandahan ng production numbers ang Monday
hanggang Friday group. (at badtrip ka sa Wednesday
group dahil pinakabaduy lagi ang performance nila!)

15. Napaligaya ka ng maraming pinoy b ands tulad ng
Yano, Rivermaya, Grin Department, Tropical
Depression, The Teeth, The Youth, After Image,
Orient Pearl, The Dawn, Alamid, Wolfgang, at ang
sikat na sikat na Eraserheads. (at aminin mong
nakinig ka ng Siakol!)

16. Kilala mo ang Smokey Mountain, (first and second
generation)

17. Hindi pa uso noon ang sapatos na may gulong.
Noon, astig ka kapag umiilaw ang swelas ng sapatos
mo tuwing ia-apak mo ito. Tinawag rin itong "Mighty
Kid"

18. Kung lalaki ka, sikat na sikat sa'yo ang mga
larong text, jolens, dampa (mga unang anyo ng
pustahan), saranggola at ang dakilang manika niyo ay
si GI-JOE with alipores.

19. Kung babae ka naman, ang mga laro mo with you're
gi rlfriends ay luto-lutuan, bahay-bahayan,
doktor-doktoran, at kung anu-ano pang pagkukunwari .
ang dakilang manika mo ay si Barbie. (Sikat ka kung
meron kang bahay, kotse at kabaong ni Barbie.)

20. Naniwala kang original ang isang cap kapag may
walong tahi sa visor nito.

21. Swerte ka kapag panghapon ka dahil
masusubaybayan mo ang mga kapanapanabik na kaganapan sa mga paborito mong cartoon shows tuwing umaga tulad ng Cedie, Sarah, at Dog of Flanders a.k.a.
Nelo. (Hindi ka ba nagtataka na sa lahat ng mga bida
sa cartoons na ito, si Nelo lang ang di yumaman at
namatay pa ng maaga)

22. Alam mo ang ibig sabihin ng "TIME FIRST!"

2003-10-15T21:57:00.000-07:00

Merc just called me five minutes ago. She and Annamiggy are inviting me to a trip back up the mountain next week. And I said yes. I must be out of my mind.

2003-10-15T06:44:00.000-07:00

The sem is done. Babies, it's done. And it feels so done after having gone through that horrid Lit long exam. A long, tedious on-the-spot essay that drained the bejesus out of me. Man, I will shake my own hand after I type this sentence.

It's the break, it's the 4 delicious weeks we've all been waiting for. Oh sure, some schoolwork still needs to be done (thanks to the La-belly dancer), but still. 4 weeks...mine, all mine.

The break has barely started and I'm already getting myself into something: there will be a Youth for Understanding (YFU) orientation for the new batch of exchange students this Sunday. They've invited the 2001 batch (me, Karl, Vanessa, Ogge, and Anthony) to be the ones to orient the newbies. Hehehehehehe. After quite a long while of not being able to attend YFU functions because of our being on the mountain 90% of the time, Karl and I will finally be able to go. Yehey. And we'll get to see the other 3 again, and we'll get to tell the newbies of our 3...um...interesting... weeks in Japan, and we might even get to see that prissy freak Bettina again and hear her talk about how she ate live shrimp and binged over Mos Burgers while punctuating every statement with the word "like." Example: Like, when I was, like, in Tokyo, they, like, gave me this, like, bowl of live shrimp, and, like, they were, like, really wiggling? Like, puke. But still, it would be nice to relive everything again. It's been over 2 years since our trip to Japan.

(Karl, I can't wait. Hehehehehehehehehehehe. You know why.)

Yay, and I can start my short story at long last!

It's pretty scary, though, how these 4 weeks will become a period of both reliving and forgetting that past. There are some things I have to seriously put on hold for now, but some things have been opened wide once again. And I'm fine with that. Because after such a long, long time, I really am willing to forget.

4 weeks of ~~debauchery~~ fun. And waking sans the snooze button. Life should be good.

2003-10-14T01:43:00.000-07:00

Math done.

Fic next.

The end is nigh.

2003-10-13T02:58:00.000-07:00

I took home 2 pieces of Chickenjoy and a Peach Mango Pocket Pie, and I had such a wonderful time snarfing it all down. But I think I experienced two extremes while doing so. Of course, both tasted so good I could've cried (the skin...the skin...the mangoes...the gravy...the peaches...the crust...the crust...). But while the Chickenjoy pieces were enormous, the pie's size was far from pathetic. Pocket pie? Pocket for what? Midget capris? The Chickenjoy of our childhood years never changed. But I think the Peach Mango Pie went through some very sad funk. The Peach Mango Pie used to be the size of a really thick pencil case. But now, it has shrunk to the saddening, maddening width and height of a Japanese jackstone. You'd think they'd at least offer a choice of sizes for the dessert, but no...that freak of a dead (notice that he does not have a stinger) bumblebee wants to deprive us of a satisfying dessert experience.

I looove Chickenjoy. I looove Peach Mango Pie. Can't we just reach some sort of agreement?

I just passed a paper for English, a paper for Lit, and a paper for Fil and did my Zoology final exam. Salamat sa diyos at tapos na. That was more than a third of my finals out of the way. And I have to admit that one segment of the Zoo finals was priceless: it was matching type, 5 points...we had to match the name of the manner of contraception with its actual procedure.

5 points in the baaaaaag. *high-fives the wall*

I'm done with Zoology, I cannot believe it. I will hang my platypus beak up now.

P.S.

Hehehehehehe. Check out the pic I took of Glenn.

2003-10-11T23:15:00.000-07:00

My Tito Gabby is behind me, checking out the tracks on one of my CDs. He's finally moving back to the upper floor after a 5-year hiatus in Cainta. He's been switching from cheapo-rent apartment to cheapo-rent apartment with intervals at his slacker-buddy Jeff's house for quite a while. The call of home and his seedy little bedroom upstairs was too strong, I guess. Thus begins another chapter of his life, which, according to him, is his culminating one. He is 35.

He's asking me if I know where I can find those suicide capsules Jodie Foster received in Contact, before she boards the weird thingy. And he also warned me that he was going to place a 46-inch flat screen TV in this computer hole-of-a-room and "play first-person shooters till I croak." Of course, he's still working as an art director for ***, my fave ad agency, because, and I quote, "how am I supposed to pay for that 46-inch, dumbass?"

Awwwww. Welcome home, Tito Gabby. :D

The semestral break is nearing, which means that it is almost time for me to start working on that new short story I promised myself. Eep. Starting something is always so daunting. But I will do my best on this one. I will pour all my love/lust into this baby. Because I need this work to exorcise a couple of demons, or if not exorcise, I will need it to lead these demons and me into some sort of peace pact.

I really hope at least one of the roadtrips planned for the break will take place. It would be lovely if I could go on a roadtrip with my friends and write in the evenings. Because roadtrips have never let me down.

And in case you're wondering, yes, I'm trying to distance myself right now from my Zoology reviewer. Obvious, ba?

2003-10-11T18:42:00.000-07:00

Finals tomorrow.

Hoo-hah.

2003-10-11T02:08:00.000-07:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

I'm done with my final English paper! Praise the lord! Over 6 hours of mental struggle! I have achieved jouissance, babies!

(Oh sure, I have plenty more to do. But dagnammit, let me have my moment. And oh, what a moment this is!!!)

2003-10-10T01:04:00.000-07:00

Ping was right. This is a fascinating quiz.

You are an Intrapersonal thinker

Intrapersonal thinkers:

Spend a lot of time thinking about and trying to understand themselves

Reflect on their thoughts and moods, and work to improve them

You understand how your behaviour affects your relationships with others

Other Intrapersonal thinkers include
Sigmund Freud, Gandhi, Grahame Greene

Careers which suit Intrapersonal Thinkers include
Psychologist, Teacher, Pilot, Child care worker, Explorer, Drama therapist

2003-10-09T04:56:00.000-07:00

Shit, why am I blogging?!?!?!

Margie, you should be studying. Studying. Remember that, Marge? It's that thing that you're supposed to do since you have a Fiction long test and a Zoology quiz tomorrow.

But conscience, I did study. I did! I did! I'm just taking a break. I'll continue reviewing later...

No dice, baby. STUDY NOW.

BUT CONSCIENCE!!!

Heh. And don't forget that you have 3 papers (1 particularly unnerving) to work on and 3 final exams to study for.

Conscience...

Pwek. Go back to your room and study.

*Margie runs back to her room in hysterics and immerses herself in The Garden of Forking Paths for the umpteenth frigging time.*

2003-10-06T21:22:00.000-07:00

9 days left before the sembreak. A month long. A possible trip to Baguio. A possible day at EK. A possible trip to Malolos. A definite perk. Almost there baby, malapit na, malapit na...

YEAH, BABYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can taste it.

Ju and I are planning to make a film in accordance with Dogma 95. I can't wait. I just hope we can get our paws on a decent camera. It's been ages (7 months) since Zero, our final film effort in Makiling, and I'm raring to start a new project. Maybe, just maybe, I could suggest my old script for Spunk. Sir Glenn said it was "too TV," so I guess it could work if we tweak it a little. I can just imagine it: the tower of soda cans, the epoxy, the Catholic school classroom, the big lewd joke sketch, the "I'm impressed" soda can-tossing bit...I'm rambling. But really, I want to see Diego, Cassandra and Zharina--my babies--come to life. It's been over two years since I made that script, and no way in hell am I about to neglect it.

I miss the Record button's beep, the whirring of the tape cradle, the panic attacks, the muddy, gnawed-at scripts, the fuss, the fuck-ups, the fun. Lemme at 'em.

2003-10-05T19:37:00.000-07:00

I've been going through some strange time melt. I decided to take a nap from my Filipino paper at 8 pm, woke up at 11 pm, slept, woke up at 5:30, and for some reason was able to get myself to Ateneo conscious. The rest of the morning has been some weird reality jolt, where people suddenly remind me of how complicated life has been going so far. I guess for the past few days, I've willed myself to concentrate on one thing at a time, and now, I am suddenly reminded that this was a strange plan of action, since things are actually pretty topsy-turvy at the moment. I've wallowed. Enough. Now I need to do something about it.

Yes, Marge. Stop obsessing over things that you can't control. ~~Things are going the way they're supposed to go.~~

Live, Marge, live.

2003-10-04T22:11:00.000-07:00

Lost immediately in my first game of arnis. This was most probably because I was still running a slight fever and was still feeling pretty bleurgh from yesterday. Plus, my opponent was this very robust girl who just charged at me like I was a quilted sack and kept hitting my arm, which didn't have any padding.

But I know I tried to beat the living crap out of my opponent as well as I could. And that's what reeeaaalllyy matters...right, little kids?

2003-10-04T05:56:00.000-07:00

My lolo was taken to the hospital a few hours ago. They said he suddenly started vomiting. I didn't even know. I was up in my room, feeling particularly miserable, when I realized that nobody had called me down to dinner yet. When I finally decided to go down, nobody was there. And then the maid returned and told me that my lolo was driven to Medical City.

My lolo has been very sickly for the past few months. He's been taking way too many medicines for me to call them mere supplements. And he seems very weak in general. A few days ago, when I greeted them after arriving home from school, his hand felt eerily hot.

I really hope they come back soon.

2003-10-04T01:01:00.000-07:00

I finally finished my paper on Graham Swift's The Tunnel. I have to admit that the story seemed pretty vague at first, but after the damn paper, I realized how much of it I understood (or so it seems). I actually finished writing about it earlier than I had feared.

Of course, I'm not about to expound on the story because that would just be sad. I loved the story. And I will move on now. Promise. But not before dropping a few nice excerpts:

Gaugin says somewhere that the Tahitians believed, unlike Europeans, that young people fall in love with each other because they have made love, not the other way around.

The way happiness comes, I thought, is as important as the happiness itself.

...because we'd lost our innocence together but kept it...

They were trying to escape from a place they had entered--and could leave--at their own free will.

2003-10-03T19:50:00.000-07:00

Just registered for the ACP (Alternative Class Program) after waking up and realizing that it's been two hours since registration started and I had better grab my class ASAP.

The Forgotten Wars: 20th Century Genocide.

Yeabah.

2003-10-02T01:14:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not, I'm eating espasol as I'm typing this. It's been ages.

Is it just me, or are those "wishes" everywhere? I've noticed recently that so many of those little fluffy dandelion seeds kids make wishes on have been floating around. On my way back to Kapitolyo from Ateneo, I must have noticed dozens. "Wishes" used to be so scarce that finding one really felt like a stroke of luck, like it really would grant your wish since you were fortunate enough to come across it. I remember even taking care of one that was stuck on a cobweb when I was 8, like it was the rarest, most uncommon inch of matter in the world.

Now, they're everywhere, as ubiquitous an object in the air as Maxx wrappers are on curbs.

Hu-what does it all meeeeeaaaaannn?????

I read Apokalipsis for Filipino class last night. I am declaring it my Filipino Short Story of The Moment. I frigging love it. You really have to read it for yourself, although simply narrating the story is actually amusing, too. But I think that a story that includes 5 distraught, talking baby bangus flopping over to their dead human mother requires a thorough, personal read.

This has been such a blah day.

2003-10-01T03:13:00.000-07:00

It's a miracle why I'm even blogging when there's so much to do. But I guess I can't help it.

I don't even know what to write. I just want to blog.
...
...
...
...
...aha. I've got something:

I've gotten addicted to reading my archives. It's obviously like reading your old journal entries. Most entries scare me, honestly. All that clueless preempting. Here are some examples from my 2002 entries:

I always wanted to stay at Dorm C, so I can share the oxygen with guys, but that's not going to happen. Lucky musicians...

(I ended up in Dorm C that year, through sheer luck.)

Look out Los Banos-ites! Hide your buko pies! Sterilize your children! Marguerite Alcazaren de Leon is nigh, for one final year!!!

(Uh.)

Fourth year's going be weird. A good kind of weird.

(That was the creepiest, truest preemption. I almost fell off my chair reading it.)

Hands. How did I get into this mess?

(How.)

The night before we all left for Christmas break, the night of the Christmas party, Tikyo and JM visited me at my cottage before we all went to bed. Tikyo gave me back my Audioslave CD and JM gave me his present (a small woven sling bag) because he was my Secret Santa. And we all hugged and exchanged Merry Christmases and whatnot, and thanked each other for a wonderful year.

(That night remains vivid till now.)

Haaaaaay. What an emotionally-trying way to procrastinate.

2003-09-30T01:09:00.000-07:00

I wish you could all see me give this goddamned sigh.

Alex Garland has written about it in The Beach. So has Borges. There are so many possible ways to spend a second. A minute, an hour, an afternoon. Especially on a day like this, when the time is truly yours, when the time is possibility itself. But I had no idea.

Where's that Ritalin tank?

2003-09-29T06:15:00.000-07:00

I really, really doubt if I will be able to let go of MDSH tomorrow (see previous blog entry). I won't have any excuses for using MDSH anymore, but there's still the possibility of my utilizing MDSH and MDSH utilizing me just because. Just because MDSH and I need to. Of course, the opportunities to use MDSH could be minimized, but why cut it off completely? That would be stupid. My last blog entry rode too much on the dramatic notions of completely erasing the slate and moving on. Why not move on and keep the chalk marks intact just in case? MDSH is MDSH because MDSH is a frigging safety harness. MDSH wasn't a choice. MDSH used to be an actual factor, but now MDSH isn't. (Gawd, blogging without the use of pronouns is excruciating.) And I am well aware of this change. MDSH is simply a special little emergency extra now. And there's nothing wrong with that. If it's diffuclt to utilize MDSH for long periods of time, it's not really a loss. MDSH is part of who I am, but unlike so many other aspects of my life, MDSH is nothing I can't handle.

P.S.

I truly apologize for my vagueness. Sometimes, people just need to rant safely.

2003-09-28T04:15:00.000-07:00

This has been an emotionally busy week. I really wish I had a tank that stored pressurized Ritalin, so if I ever had the need to fling myself against a wall or start bawling, I could just grab my tank and take a deep breath.

I'm home alone. My grandparents have rushed off to Batangas to enjoy the much-fought-over Canyon Woods time share at the very last minute. They were supposed to come back today, but I guess they liked the place so much that they decided to extend till Tuesday. Yehes, I am Macaulay-Culkined in this place for a couple more days. If, by any case, your eyebrows are wiggling, yes, I do plan to make the most of it, little bitch that I am. But I don't know. I'm still not sure what time my grandparents will be home on Tuesday, so a little strategizing is still required.

To tell you the truth, I think I'll be reaching The Point of No Return on Tuesday. I think it's time to fully let go and see how I fare without my dear safety harness (whom we shall refer to as MDSH from now on). MDSH has been very good to me in a twisted sort of way. MDSH has let me go through most of the ropes and has thrust me out into the world a little more emotionally-skilled than I expected. MDSH has been at nearly every beck and call. MDSH did what MDSH had to do, and I think I have lived my little life-segment with MDSH fairly well. MDSH sure has added a little something extra to my life. I wonder how other people have parted with their respective MDSHs. Is there an explosion? Is it a painful, quiet drift apart? Do MDSHs leave mementos? Will I miss MDSH insanely? Or will I have learned enough from MDSH to be able to jump off cliffs without a second thought?

I'm not sure if this is the end of my relationship with MDSH. I'm not saying that The Point of No Return will seriously happen on Tuesday, because as my MDSH has taught me, you will never have any fucking idea what will happen next. I just have this feeling.

OH GOD. I JUST BECAME A VICTIM OF MY THESIS. MY LOLA JUST ENTERED THE ROOM. THEY DECIDED TO GO BACK TO PASIG SINCE MY LOLO GOT ASTHMA.

Ha. Cruel coincidence. Guess it's time to rethink. God.

2003-09-26T02:53:00.000-07:00

Hehehehehehe. Had such a fun time at Shang.

Mars, Ju, and I first had lunch at Bon Appetit. Word of advice: order the kani ricebowl only if you're really, really, really hungry. It's huge. It's delicious, yes, but huge.

After lunch, we walked around, harrassing people at Tickles, Beauty Bar, Humor Post, etc., when Ju suddenly ached for the mall's kiddie section. That's when Mars got the idea of pretending to be a very young mother who needed to buy a toy for her precious little daughter, a one-year-old girl named Zoe. Ju and I, of course, were the ninangs. So we entered a toy store and started fawning over the toys. We went nuts over everything--the extra-runny Play-Doh-in-a-tube, the amaaaazing Mickey Mouse cash register which could actually give frigging discounts, the doughnut stack pole that lit up and played Beethoven, the mini pottery wheel, etc. Then Mars began to act like she seriously needed a toy for her girl. She went around, asking the attendants for the best toy possible for a one-year-old. She also made sure that when she asked us dysfunctional ninangs which toy was nice, Ju and I would start running around the store and suggesting all sorts of toys, from the Hulk-in-a-cage to the stuffed Coooooogie Monster. When Mars began complaining that we ninangs weren't being very helpful, it triggered the attendants to move in for the kill. The dialogue always went like this:

Attendant: May inaanak po kayo?
Mars: (smiling shyly) Um, may anak.
Attendant: (flabbergasted) Uh-ah...

Hehehehe. It was such fun watching the attendants look Mars up and down when she claimed she was a mother. Believe me, she looks every inch a seventeen-year-old. Then Julia and I would come up to her and go, "Yan kasi, ang aga-aga pa kasi nagasawa," which would leave the attendants even more awestruck.

After driving the toy store people a little more nuts, we got so hooked on the baby concept that we ended up buying baby bottles for ourselves. I'm sucking on mine as we speak.

Tsuptsup.

2003-09-25T05:21:00.000-07:00

It's terribly amusing to go back to my old works and realize how crappy/quaint/true/all-of-the-above some of my writings are. I wrote this play in my junior year of high school entitled Dinner (it used to be found in my defunct literary blog, which, by the way, I am thinking of reviving sometime soon), a set of monologues done by a Mother, a Father, and a Daughter through the course of an uncomfortable day's last meal. (I also wrote another play before that entitled Spunk, about three teenagers' search for worth and personality, but my playwriting teacher Glenn Mas ix-nayed it since he said it was "too TV." Hell, I loved Spunk, but the guy was grading me so I had to write another one.) Anyhoo, I read this monologue snatch by the Daughter, and I felt that I just had to post the excerpt:

You see, I have a theory. I call it the Marriage Theory. When you spend way too much time with a loved one, the relationship tends to sour. One of the factors why you just can't get enough of your loved one before was the fact that that person wasn't always there. You miss his presence, and that makes you appreciate the person when he is actually with you. When you marry someone, or at least spend too much time with him, it just grows corny. The person you wish were with you forever, is, and since human beings tend to want things they can't have, the things they already have are just set aside or become very annoying. You suddenly get to notice the bad characteristics of your loved one much more, and you get that icky feeling of having that person getting into your hair.

Haha, the eternal Marriage Theory. Words of wisdom and a curse all in one.

2003-09-24T04:54:00.000-07:00

According to Bravenet, someone linked to my blog while Googling for a girl raped by a monkey. I do not have any frigging idea how that happened. I swear.

Bleurgh.

I long for a simpler time. It's been four years since my days at the Cottage 18 steps.

When I was a freshman at Makiling, I was assigned along with the other creative writers to live at Cottage 18, the girl's cottage farthest from the main road. No other cottage has been able to beat 18. It had an incredibly private veranda since it was at the very edge of Dorm B, very near the cliff, and had concrete steps that led to the maintenance cottage. What made these steps extra special to me were the fact that they overlooked a view of Laguna Bay, mango trees, and the boy's dorm. The latter item was especially interesting not because I liked to ogle (believe me, it's not worth it), but because it made communication and intrigue readily accessible. But that's a longer and more tasking story.

I loved the Cottage 18 veranda. Sitting there equated to a bucketload of narcotics. Whenever I had free time during the afternoon, I would grab my trusty old Walkman, switch it to NU107, sit on the veranda steps, listen to music, and stare off into space. My cottagemates seriously found me nuts, which I found pretty weird since every single person in those two rooms were eccentric themselves. But maybe it was because I always slipped into some trance that made me look more psychotic than the usual creative writer.

Anyway, the times I was able to space out at the veranda were incredible. 30 minutes was all I needed to make myself feel much, much better. If I had a problem, you would have seen me rushing to the veranda. I was always at the veranda. The day I trapped smoke in the jar happened to be on that veranda too.

Of course, the radio station played certain songs that have remained incredibly important to me. I call them my Freshman Songs, and each and every time I listen to them, I immediately am brought back to that amazing veranda and all the beautiful, beautifully twisted events of my freshman year. A few of them are:

Valentine by Shades Apart
Someday by Sugar Ray
Talk Tonight by Oasis
Nookie by Limp Bizkit (hey, they were still new...di pa sila jologs noon)
Ana's Song by Silverchair
My Own Worst Enemy by Lit
Scar Tissue by Red Hot Chili Peppers
Someday We'll Know by New Radicals (I FUCKING HATED MANDY MOORE'S VERSION. SHE TOTALLY BASTARDIZED THE SONG ALONG WITH THAT SWITCHFOOT GUY. SHE RUINED A FRESHMAN SONG. SHE DIES TONIGHT.)
Run by Collective Soul
Yeah, Whatever by Splender

The veranda days are gone, but the music still works. Sometimes, though, I would give anything to spend 10 minutes on those steps again to feel safe. Like right now.

2003-09-23T04:04:00.000-07:00

Part 2 of the Printer Chronicles:

They took the old printer (which was a delicious HP PSC 500--a printer, scanner and copier all in one that used to work like a fucking dream) to the Hewlett Packard center last Sunday. And now they've brought it back. And I thought they had found the glitch, but noooooooo. According to my grandmother, it seems that there are so many defects in the machine that it will cost 8 frigging K to fix. My grandparents are now trying to find a cheaper, more sensible repair place, but I have this sinking feeling that the baby won't get fixed anymore.

I really don't understand why it won't work. It was just fine the day before it went kaput. I couldn't believe it when my grandmother mentioned that it had many defects. MANY?!?!?!? What fucked-up gremlin decided to piss on our hardware?

In less ticked news:

I might get addicted to arnis sparring. You basically just hit the crap out of your opponent. And you get to wear a snug Marge-mallow suit. I was a little nervous when I watched the earlier class have their sparring sessions, but when my turn came later that afternoon (I was the first to spar), god, it was such fun.

2003-09-22T02:51:00.000-07:00

I'm back home.

Mars told me something at the Caf Up a few hours ago which locked so many things into place: "Marge, grabe and pasensiya mo. Grabe kang makatiis ng attitudes ng mga tao."

2003-09-22T00:28:00.000-07:00

Here I am again assessing worth.

I guess I've got all my degrees wrong. I guess I think too highly of the individual. I guess my habit of treasuring each and every friend I have has this glitch. Because some people don't see me that way. Some people don't really see me as that important in their lives even when they're incredibly important in mine. Yes, they see me as a friend, but only to a certain degree, whereas I think of them as the reason why things are so great in the world. The people I am with helps make my living life out the most interesting way possible work.

But that sad thing is that sometimes, I think I'm just kidding myself. Because I need people to also think of me as significant in some way. I need to know that I have a little bit of standing room in their lives, that I am person that is worth their time. But apparently, some people just don't see me that way. It's not their fault. It's just that they don't. It kills me that they don't.

I'm talking about friendship here and nothing more. If you thought otherwise or you jumped to another conclusion, then man, you're fucking lame.

I'm sorry.

Fuck this migraine. (Sure, Marge, blame it on something else.)

2003-09-21T01:42:00.000-07:00

My Tito Gabby introduced the concept of Murphy's Law to me when I was eight years old. He sat me down and said, "Ning, thing will suck when you think they won't." And I found it such an enticing concept. I guess it was because I was going through my kitsch-goth Tim Burton phase and was easily amused by theories on despair (long live the early 90's). If anything can go wrong, it will.

My relationship with computer printers and deadlines is a Class A case of Murphy's Law. It started the night I needed to print my first full draft of my English critical review and the printer just didn't turn on. Since then, I've been having my papers printed via e-mail (thanks, Carlos) or in Ateneo. The painful fact about the latter solution is that in order to have my work printed in time for class, I would have to work on it in advance, since the computers at school are known for conking out. What's worse, my English classes are held first thing in the morning, so I don't have time to print it on the actual day. I have to print it on the day before, meaning I would have to do my work even earlier sometimes. What's EVEN worse, Sir La-Belly Dancer usually tells us to submit our works first thing MONDAY, which gives most of the class time to work on their essays during the weekend while I can't.

So I went nuts.

And then my Ninong Poy finally lent me a printer today. And I thought my ~~prayers~~ desperate, pained shrieks were answered, but no. It conked out on us before I could even properly use the damn thing. Thank god I finished my essay revision last Friday (but god, that was just sadly masochistic of me). So I'm back at iskwer wan.

I downloaded the driver. I inspected every virtual inch of Windows. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zero. Itlog. Wala.

Leche.

Blame this man.

2003-09-20T02:04:00.000-07:00

Yehesss...procrastination is goood...

1. Your mother's maiden name: Alcazaren

2. Part of your body that you like the best: eyes

3. Your song for the moment: Matchbox 20's Bright Lights

4. Number of moles you have and locations: Is it humanly possible for me to have enough patience to count my moles for a stupid email survey? I'd like to think that I have some self-respect here even though the fact that I'm even answering this question is a cannonball shot to my dignity.

5. Your current addiction: Jollibee's Peach Mango Pie (masama ba?)

6. Aside from birthday/holidays, favorite day(s) of the year (month/day) of the year: April 13 (Margie's Oasis Day, baby!), September 1 (start of Perks Month and the Birthday Countdown), September 21 (Liam Gallagher's birthday), October 21 (The Day of Opened Doors), and February 5 (Ka-Ching! Day).

7. In a classroom, where do you preferebly sit? middle to back rows for ample teacher avoidance

8. Vegetable you despise: ampalaya and asparagus

9. A "dark" secret you are willing to share: I am a Club Lisa Frank Lifetime Member. Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Shit, pathetic.

10. Fave expression you heard from someone: kumekerengkeng

11. Closest encounter with death: I almost suffocated while sleeping in a completely closed house filling up with gas from the open stove. AND before that, I almost lit a match while the place was filling up. I had no idea the fucking stove was on.

12. How do you "break the ice" with someone you'd like to know? I usually ask them what kind of music they like. Words usually pour out from thereon.

13. One thing you don't leave the house with: my Discman *mwah*

14. Personal goal this weekend: ~~master my platypus monologue~~ watch good movies on cable

15. Mutant power you want to possess: invisibility--lovely, multipurpose.

16. What makes a person look good, need not attractive? when they look they have their own style and are totally comfortable with it

18. Your song for the moment: ang kulit mo a...

19. What would you like to see for the rest of your life? an eternally-looped reel of great movies (A Clockwork Orange, Cruel Intentions, Empire Records, The Last Supper, Scarfies, American Beauty, Amelie, The Virgin Suicides, The Last Temptation of Christ, etc.)

20. The most important word for you: live

21. Best thing a fortuneteller ever told you: Magkakaroon ka ng burnik. HEH. I haven't gone to one yet, and am not planning to. I make my own destiny, mwahahahahahahaha.

22. Most "barok" word you ever said : I honestly forgot, but there's bound to be one.

23. Best line(s) from a song: There are way too many, so I'll just give you one: But I can't help the feeling/I could blow through the ceiling - Radiohead's Fake Plastic Trees

24. An email address you'd don't want to recieve mail from: Dammnit, I forgot Jonathan Joson's email ad. Hehe, I guess that's a good thing.

25: Favorite line from a book: "We accept the love we think we deserve." - Bill from The Perks of Being A Wallflower

2003-09-19T06:57:00.000-07:00

I hope to god I'm typing this while conscious.

I just finished revising my critical review in English. I will not expound anymore because the room's walls might start to melt.

This morning, Sir La-Belly Dancer, Sir Jelly La-Belly, Sir Sadako-Who-Ate-Too-Much-Sushi, Big Bad John (and all the possible nicknames tired students can give him) danced in front of the class. He wanted to demonstrate what the word "stylized" meant, so he began to perform some sort of stylized dance. It consisted of jerky jetes and pirouettes and it was one of the strangest images ever fed to me at 8:30 in the morning.

Aaron told Carlos that he was "pretty graceful considering his bulk." Graceful or not, I wouldn't want that image to fester in my mind forever.

Don't mind me. I'm just happy I'm done.

2003-09-18T05:14:00.000-07:00

My mom emailed me the most cruel picture:

Anyway.

Mars and I had a 3 pm lunch at Shang. Afterwards, we decided to head home and left the mall through the EDSA Central exit. It was raining hard, and we were trying to make our way to the pedestrian crossing without slipping, when we saw a very little girl in the middle of the huge sidewalk, sandwiched in between soaked cardboard boxes. She was peering out at the mall-goers from inside her box blanket, not caring that she was positioned dead-center on the walkway, exposed to the rain and the drenched, hurrying throng of passers-by.

A child with tired eyes.

So Mars and I ran back into Shang and quickly bought a meal for the little girl. When we rushed back out, only the boxes were left, flat on the red, stone pavement. We asked some cigarette vendors if they knew where she went, but all they did was give bitter shrugs. One man, though, heard us and pointed at a girl lying across the street in the middle of the EDSA-Shaw bridge. We crossed over to her and offered her the plastic bags of food, which she simply grabbed from us. We asked her if she wanted to move to the side lest she be trampled by the pedestrians, but she refused. Then, we asked her if she was the girl lying in between the boxes by the mall, and she shook her head. We were disappointed that she wasn't that particular girl but knew that the food still served a purpose. The child on the bridge just stared coldly at us as she grasped the plastic bags. She didn't acknowledge us when we said goodbye and just stared blankly at the styrofoam containers. I know Mars and I helped someone today, but it didn't feel right, to be honest.

Someone once told me that I had the world's most tired eyes.

2003-09-17T00:52:00.000-07:00

So many things to do.

Aww, nuts.

2003-09-16T04:45:00.000-07:00

Feona, Merc and Anna Miggy visited Ateneo today for trips. They called me up and Mars, Ju and I showed them around campus. The strange thing is, you'd expect them to be curious about certain buildings or the art gallery or the Church of the Gesu or something to that extent, but the facility these three just HAD to see while they were in Ateneo were the frigging loos. It seems that stories about the Ateneo comfort rooms have been circulating in UP Dil, and they just had to see for themselves if the washrooms at school really had liquid soap dispensers (I honestly HATE the strawberry liquid soap. They should just change it to lime or something. It's too girly and sweet. Wech.), two buttons for flushing, marble bag stands, etc.

But I do feel proud that Ateneo has great facilities. I guess the toilets aren't an exception. Okay, I must stop blogging about this now.

Hu-what a day.

And yeah, I think I'm over with the post-Friday stupor. After lunch with Mars (Aligue N Garlic pasta, Jesus!), two CDs (Oasis' The Masterplan which I only had in cassette before and Reef's Best Of) and a visit to the MRT ukay-ukay, I think I'm going to be okay.

2003-09-15T00:01:00.000-07:00

God, the mouses at the CTC SUCK. (It's mouses, right? Is there some rule that multiple computer mouses are mice? Sounds too lame. Too cutesy.)

I actually don't know what to blog, but I usually do before I start on any real work. But I've been feeling so blah ever since last Friday, with my brain opting to be numb than to process anything else. It really doesn't get in the way of my schoolwork, thankfully, but I get those "moments". You know, those split-second realizations or memory flashes that throw you off for just a little slice of time. But I guess I've gotten so used to those since high school that it really doesn't matter that much anymore. I used to go through more serious stupors. But that was probably because I was only being initiated into things then. Things have evolved into givens now, into natural, adult actions.

I used to suffer system shock. I used to wallow in all that novelty my experiences offered. But now that these novel experiences have evolved into those surreal little things adults just do, the shock has watered down. Yes, I still feel vulnerable at times. I get into those "adults are just like children in the strangest ways" moments. But these things are supposed to happen now. I should get used to this. I should still treat it with wonder, yes, but also with a tinge of maturity.

I'm done with all the water-testing. I'm ready for the skinny dip, babies.